Weddings are supposed to be about joining people, not trading cattle

Marriage is supposed to be a beautiful union between two people.

It is a significant gesture of saying to the next person that you want them to be your witness to life and all that is living.

It’s supposed to mark the beginning of a WE and the end of an I, but somehow along the way people lost sight of the true value and essence of marriage, and weddings soon became a quick money-making scheme and a parade of who got the bigger tent and whose lobola was costlier than the other.

Before TV love took over and dictated to us how love should be displayed, people took initiative.

Our grandparents were classy, suave and tactful.

They knew what to do to get the deal done, they believed in the art of courtship and building a solid foundation.

It was simple. The goal was to get a job, a family and the rest would follow. Then again this was at a different time, a time when men were fathers and husbands and women knew their rightful place and role.

Nowadays marriage has morphed into something completely different. Goals have changed and the game has gotten wicked.

Marriage has turned into a game of thrones where only the fittest survive and should it fail, there’s divorce - provided you have a good lawyer and some incriminating information on your spouse.

Lobola doesn’t represent the unification of two families; it’s a battle of how much money can we get out of “selling” our daughter. Love has taken a backseat and money has become the key driver in picking that one person you want to spend the rest of your life with, provided you don’t get bored.

I recently read an interesting article about how brides were bringing shame to their families because they didn’t know how to cook.

Well I’ll be dammed. If I knew that becoming a wife would mean disregarding my life and my values for someone else, I would have studied that in varsity instead of getting a degree.

The duties of a makoti (bride) are as follows: after the wedding, she must leave her home and go to the husband’s home while being woken up in the wee hours to prepare breakfast and clean the house until such a time the family feels that she is ready to take care of their son.

After performing her duties and gaining ‘brownie points’ with the family, she is expected to leave her life as she knew it and immerse herself in the husband’s life.

Women have always been viewed as second to the rest, be it in the workplace, sports field or school ground.

From childhood, girls are told to dream of being a wife and mother.

If they dream of wanting more for themselves, they’re accused of trying to be a man. What’s even worse is that we have companies blooming at every corner aimed at teaching women on how to be the ‘proper makoti’.

If all is fair in love and war, why can’t we raise our sons with the same notion that blessed is he who finds a good wife? Why can’t we teach our sons to aspire to become good fathers? If all is fair then let’s treat marriage the same way.

Marriage is a decision between TWO people who love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together. So let’s cut the financial debate and family feuds and let those TWO people decide what works for them.

Let’s for once take a different approach to how marriage preparations and weddings represent. Let’s create our own set of values and customs that simply work for US and not accept what culture has deemed right for decades.

Let’s not allow lobola to dictate the treatment of your wife or her worth but instead start a new custom that aims at building a family and bringing two families together.

Let’s cut the unnecessary public embarrassments and negative speeches we give our brides about how they were born to be at the back end and must kneel in front of their husbands and start sending messages of love, hope and unity.

If you’re a man who prefers to cook for your wife do not let society deem you weak. Do what works for you and your spouse.

There is no recipe when it comes to love and marriage because the truth is when the number two becomes 10 nothing seems to work out right and that’s when the weave of ties you’ve bonded seems to spiral into a web of unhappiness and regrets.