An open letter to Sicelo Shiceka, (former) Minister of Co-operative Governance and Traditional Affairs

Ben Trovato: An open letter to Sicelo Shiceka, (former) Minister of Co-operative Governance and Traditional Affairs

Dear EAR COMRADE SICELO

I AM writing this after reading last week's front-page story in the Sunday Times and would like to express my condolences. By now, I expect you will have resigned or been fired. I hope I am wrong, because I like the cut of your jib. However, nobody could survive this. In Britain, cabinet ministers resign if they are caught so much as inflating their lunch allowance. Yes, I know this isn't Britain, but I find it hard to believe that after your Homeric profligacy was exposed, you would still have a job.

Don't listen to the critics. Greed and elitism are good. What is the point of finagling your way to the top, only to hold back from wallowing like a fat, happy warthog in a mud pool full of girls and money? If I were a cabinet minister, I wouldn't even bother going to the office. I would get permission to work from home and then move to a villa on Paradise Island and drink piña coladas with Johnny Depp and Nicolas Cage. I think you have shown admirable integrity by coming to work for at least two weeks a year.

Apparently you took 183 flights in nine months of 2009. That amounts to a mere three flights a week - nothing when you consider how many flights the average SAA air hostess takes each year. I am happy to contribute to the R1.3-million it cost to keep you in the air.

On a trip to Switzerland, you were accompanied by your private secretary, who provided you with "administrative and personal support". And you're still on your feet? Well done, sir. I like a man with stamina. When my Brenda provided me with "administrative support" during our honeymoon, I couldn't sit down properly for a year.

Of course, there will be those who say you were naughty to use R367000 of taxpayers' money to fly first class to Switzerland, stay in a five-star hotel and rent a limousine to take you to prison to visit your girlfriend - a former SAA air hostess, oddly enough. I say shame on them. What you did was a noble and romantic thing. If I ever get jailed on drug charges, I hope someone would care enough to fly halfway around the world to visit me.

You and a handful of staff also spent R643000 in a year - R55793 on yourself in a single night - at the One & Only hotel in Cape Town. Whose fault is this? I'll tell you. It's Sol Kerzner's fault. It is not as if you set the rates at the hotel, is it? If Kerzner gave a damn about this country, he would let VIPs like you stay for free. I expect if you dig a little deeper, you will find Kerzner is also responsible for the pitiful lack of service delivery in the ANC-run municipalities. Bastard. He should be strung up and pelted with eel-and-avocado tempura.

So now you are probably out of a job. It's damnably unfair. After all, as Minister of Traditional Affairs, you are entitled to have as many affairs as you wish. And when it comes to tradition, well, were your ancestors not pastoral nomads who travelled far and wide in search of grazing? Naturally times have changed, and these days grazing is aimed more at chef Nobu's divine black cod, a snip at R435, washed down with a snifter or two of Hokusetsu Cho Daiginjo sake, a local bergie favourite at just R6000 a bottle.

Anyway, comrade, if you need a place to stay, you're more than welcome to crash in my lounge. I could do with the company of a man who knows his way around the finer things in life.

Yours in the revolution, Ben Trovato

PS: I hear you have been off sick for most of the year. At least you know it's not economy-class syndrome.