So this vegetarian walks into a club

LIKE Snoop Dogg beefing with Kim Kardashian (google it), there's a hint of bullying in how the city of Cape Town handled the attempt at a protest at Rondebosch Common.

The picture of the poor vegetarian-looking protester being dragged off to chookie by riot cops (menacing in cap, sunshades and creepy exoskeleton protective gear) reminded me of a picture I'd seen of a baby seal being clubbed in Namibia.

The seal and the vegetarian had the same look of surprise, mingled with fear. Both looked unable to mentally process what was about to happen to them.

The jackboot tactics of the nanny state of Zillestan left a bad taste in my mouth.

These protestors were not the ANC Youth League gang that invaded downtown Jozi, damaging property and photographers' skulls, hurling empty quart bottles at cops while carrying placards saying "Free Julius Malema". No.

These were watermelon-and-couscous-salad-eating types who just wanted to highlight the disparity between the haves and the have nothings.

A particularly thorny issue for Cape Town, what with all the attendant race issues this brings up, coupled with the DA's touchiness as a governing party on the southern tip.

Up north in the economic heart of Africa, we Jozi dwellers like to make fun of the secessionist province in the southwest.

But always with a tinge of jealousy.

Who does not want to live in a province and city with a reputation for being clean, well-run, picturesque and completely overrun with models? Who?

Cape Town's got it all ... if you are middle to upper middle class.

Buuuut. The downside appears to be an inexorable slide into nanny-statism.

"No sir, you may not enjoy a cold one in the bar of your hotel; our new sharia-style law makes it illegal for bars to serve alcohol after 2am."

Where someone will shout at you for lighting a ciggy as you clear the airport building.

I was there this week, engaged in the oxymoronic thing called business travel (in the middle seat in economy class with a tall guy in front of me repeatedly reclining his seat).

Then I was shouted at by two security guards for smoking out in the open when I landed in CPT.

One told me it was verboten to smoke anywhere near the tunnel to the car hire buildings. I was tempted to ask for an English translation. I could have finished my smoke while he struggled with that.

Another said the people who own Wembley Square would not allow smoking in an open-air courtyard far from the entrances to the building.

There are designated areas for stompies I was told. Anal much? Look, it's all well and good to keep the city clean, but when they start putting poor people and smokers in the category of vermin, I must protest!

But not in Rondebosch Common. That's asking for trouble.

I suggest a new line for the air stewards on approach to CPT. "Ladies and gentlemen, we are about to land. Please switch off your moral compass, ignore the glaring inequality and remain in the uptight position for the duration of your stay in Cape Town."

I heard from a friend that the city now seeks to model itself on Geneva.

But does Geneva have a Khayelitsha? A Mitchells Plain?

I asked a colleague the other day what it was like to be governed by not one but two nannies (naughty, I know). He rattled off a list of things that irk. Like bylaws limiting the number of minutes per hour a dog is allowed to bark, an airplane the city uses to take high-res photos to bust you if you erect a wendy house without permission and so on.

The upside is that hospitals work. Whereas in Gauteng, Baragwanath had a shortage of Panado this week, true story.

But there's a thin line between keeping things ordered and nanny-statism.

The downside, in Cape Town's case, is the nanny is in favour of corporal punishment - that is, her corporals will dish out some punishment.

All well and good to aim to be a Geneva. But do remember that there are people who still need closed toilets.

Maybe, start there first.

In MY future, cops would not look twice at peaceful protestors asking us to share the wealth.

PS. To the ANC acolytes gleefully reading this, I have one word: "Limpopo". Okay, 'nuff said.