An Apple today will keep the Hopkins children away

After watching Katie Hopkins on YouTube, I have an urge to reproduce again. She appeared on a morning TV show spewing nonsense about how she judges children by their first names and wouldn't let her children play with Chardonnay or Tyler. (Would you?)

I don't need to add to the number of children I have, even if I think one can never get enough of babies (though there are limits to the number of teenagers one should have to bear).

I want a baby so I can go through the agonising process of naming it, just to find a name that irritates Hopkins.

There are various ways of naming children. All are arbitrary. We have family and cultural traditions. For some there are religious customs for naming. And then there is fashion.

I had a difficult naming experience. My children's surnames are the same as their father's. I gave in to that shamefully easily. His argument at the time of our reproductive phase was that he and his father are the last males carrying this surname, "in the whole wide world," he added. I submitted, adding: "It wasn't fair."

And so it is that I am the only one in my immediate family with the prettiest surname in the world. I did make a deal though. They carry his surname, I choose their first names.

Making one of the most important decisions of their lives was always going to be difficult. Making these decisions while you're cooking a child or post-childbirth is not easy. I was offered help, but didn't want it: the decisions had to be mine, if only to rectify the injustice of their surnaming.

With each of the three children it was agony, but decisions were finally made. The first child received a play on my surname, the second landed the same name as my alcoholic, womanising grandfather, and the third - unintentionally and embarrassingly - got the same name as Mick Jagger's youngest daughter.

I wonder what Hopkins would say about a child being named after Jagger's daughter. Would she allow her darlings to play with mine? Or because mine is named after the child of a drinking, drugging rock star, does that say something about my class status?

If you haven't seen the crazy viral video in which Hopkins has a go at people who give their children certain names, you must. It's infuriating, but also entertaining. She admits her snobbery about names is a shortcut to distinguishing what class children belong to. Hence her dismissal of children named Chardonnay, who she says would not do her homework. The video is a blatant example of the crass class snobbery that still exists in the UK. But it left me broody. I want to name the next child Apple to irritate someone I don't know.