Missing link to the polls

What has South Africa come to when we not only listen to a puppet, but let it publish a book?

The newly released Chester Missing's Guide to the Elections '14 is not a guide to making the most educated decision come May 7.

"I'm like a virgin who gives sex advice," Chester concedes.

The famous puppet ribs all and sundry with lines including "The ANC is more divided than your grandpa's varicose veins", "Agang is just the black DA", "the DA is excruciatingly boring", "you vote for them [IFP] for entertainment value", "nobody knows why you would vote for the Freedom Front Plus or the EFF", and "you would vote for him [Bantu Holomisa] for the same reason you would wear a 'Save the Rhino' T-shirt".

But it's not all doom and gloom, according to Missing: "We have a culture where heckling those in power is not just mal, it's mandatory."

Missing will launch his book on April 16 at Exclusive Books, Sandton City, from 6.30pm, where he will be in conversation with comedian Kagiso Lediga. The book costs R130.

Wisdom from Chester:

In South African politics, Nkandla is the new N-word.

• In the Egyptian Arab Spring the people overthrew the government through social media networking. South Africans will only achieve this if we can create a social network based only on using 'please call mes'.
• Mamphela Ramphele's Agang should make their campaign slogan 'One gogo, one vote' (although the ANC's senior leadership is also a bit of an old age home, as opposed to the crèche that is the DA shadow cabinet).
• Ramphele in Parliament can only be a good thing, if she pitches, because one thing we now know about this lady: she likes bunking.
• [Cyril Ramaphosa] was voted in as the deputy president of the ANC, which kind of sucks for the current deputy president of the country, Kgalema Motlanthe. It's like you're living in the same house as your ex.