The Big Read: Tackling the violent male

We need to talk - about men.

In a recent road rage incident, a Johannesburg man jumped out of his Porsche to repeatedly kick another car, punch the driver through the slightly opened window, and then remove and throw the victim's car keys into the distance.

This incident would have remained unknown had another driver not video-recorded the episode and posted it on YouTube.

And yet all of us witness these paroxysms of rage among South African men every day - whether it is strikers on the streets or players on the rugby field or men in intimate relationships.

Schoolboys are known to have died as a result of a punch-up on the rugby field. What on earth is going on?

Please don't tell me men are frustrated. If frustration were the root cause of violence then we would all have been wiped out by now.

No, this is not frustration alone; this problem has its origins in how we raise our boys. Start with the naming process. What kind of parent names or nicknames their sons Baksteen or Bakkies or Bef*k? Yes, I have heard all three.

There is a reason for such madness.

We hope to instil fear in others. But what we also do is ingrain a particular kind of manhood in the boy - to be tough, to take on enemies, to frighten the hell out of the sporting opposition.

No wonder we cheer loudly when a rugby player is tackled hard with his gum protector flying in one direction as his head hits the pitch. Yes, we cheer.

I told a group of young women academics the other day that the greatest danger to their scholarly careers would be the man they marry, for those who make that choice.

Why? Because a man's understanding of what it means to be a man depends on how he saw his father behave towards his mother. A typical South African man expects to come home to warmed-up slippers, an ironed newspaper, a fresh-looking spouse, dinner ready, and the children washed and prepared for bed.

The fact that the wife also works does not bother this man-man in the least; that is the order of things. Dad did it, and so this is normative behaviour.

Most of the women I have supervised to obtain advanced degrees, especially doctorates, have divorced. Their men simply could not handle the fact that the woman had a much higher status than they did.

Not only did the wife start earning more money than he - a trigger for violence - she gained a voice. Her confidence meant she had learnt to reason through complex problems rather than simply accept the 19th-century notion of "Hubby knows best".

Here's the rub, quite a few of my students would, in these circumstances, be exposed to violence when the man snapped. You see, he saw what his dad did when he did not get his way - lash out. I have seen the man in the Porsche all my life.

Of course, not all men are like this and those who were fortunate to have had fathers who were kind and gentle and gracious under pressure would have learnt a different model of being a man - a man who respects his partner and responds to a crisis with calm and reason.

But that kind of man is in a minority in a culture in which men take on multiple wives, not to honour culture, but to demonstrate power and show off privilege.

There are, of course, many triggers for violence, such as racism, homophobia and the fear of foreigners, but the trigger is not the root of the explanation. That comes from much deeper in our violent culture and repressive history, from homes to schools and religious organisations. Such violent behaviour is not genetic, it is learnt, and therefore it can be unlearnt.

Fathers, teach your boys how to cry. Show them how to love; be especially aware of how you respond in a crisis for they are watching you. Teach them that hands are for hugging not hurting. Condemn bad male behaviour loudly and cut out those sexist jokes with your male friends at the braai. Name your son Dandelion and not Donderweer.

And if a taxi swerves in front of you on the main road where you live, climb out and politely ask the driver whether his brakes failed.