To my old friend the Whipping Boy: iLIVE

In response to 'Big ups on putting strike down' [Ben Trovato, 26 February 2012]

Dear Ben,

I do believe we are on a first name basis old friend.

I am writing to you to check the progress you have made in getting the leaders at COP17 to come and assist down here in hell.

As you know this place is going to the dogs, and things are getting worse. You know what I mean, after all I heard that the prisons are 5 star hotels, where you are from. The same thing is happening here.

Since we spoke last some bunny huggers have been trying to 'green' the environment. It started in the bureaucrats offices, fondly known as 'South Africa House'. Some of the staff took time out from playing solitaire to put some pot plants on their desks.

It may only be a growing a little 'dagga' (as we call it here - local slang) you may know it as marijuana but this is how these things start. Next we will have fields of  'hades hashish' pumping oxygen into the sulfursphere.

I need those COP17 people to come down here and show the kind of leadership that are known for. I am certain that they would ensure any effort to green things here would grind to an agonizing endless slow circle of meetings about meetings. Where the goals of reaching a possible ad hoc non binding agenda can be properly considered over a long period of time. 

If they do not agree to come immediately, the environment here may soon be habitable by humans and we will have to go with plan B. That is a relocation exchange plan. Where the earth's environment would be more suited for my purposes, and hell could be habitable.

I believe we could use your skilled taxi transport system to assist in the relocation. I know them quite well, as they are a preferred service provider down here. And have made a number of successful, although unexpected, deliveries.

Please don't use my email Satan@gmail.com I get far too much mail at that address to read. Much of it is hate mail - I honestly don't know what the world is coming to. I fully support hate, I would encourage everyone to try it at least once while driving (as is mandatory in your country) but I am sure you can see the bind I am in - if they hate me I am hurt they feel that way, but I am glad they are following my instruction to hate. I suppose hating Satan is just what Satan wants - so what is the alternative?

Tell Brenda I will see her at church on Sunday.

Your old friend

Satan

P.S. How are your efforts going to get the title "the Great Satan" reallocated to me. I think it is unfair that the U.S. has this title. If this situation persists I may soon be referred to as "the lesser spotted satan" and be reduced to only having influence over a small coven of bird watchers.