Riding the wave of sexual ups and downs

Claims about Dominique Strauss-Kahn's behaviour inspire amazement at the 60-year-old man's insatiable sexual desire.

As an example of the other side of the libido scale is a young woman's desperate call to her doctor. Disappointed that life is no longer as much fun as it was BC (before children), Thandi Msibi* seeks professional advice about her lack of desire for having sex with the man she loves. Knowledgeable and experienced, the older doctor puts her lack of libido and sexual enjoyment down to "where you're at". The doctor reiterates the awful truth that it is normal for a woman who is sleep-deprived and seeping milk not to respond to sex.

With these two extremes in mind it's worth asking what is normal, libidinally?

Vivienne Parry wrote in The Times of London that "measuring libido directly is difficult, but the usual proxy is sexual frequency". So how often are we at it?

According to womenshealthsa.co.za: "Less than 2% of men and women are having a daily romp, according to the Health24 Great South African Sex Survey 2010, with the majority of couples having sex five to 19 times a month."

This reflects a surprisingly active national sex life. Still, interest and enjoyment in sex does wax and wane according to stages of our lives and stages of our relationships.

In your first year together, you're very busy pleasing one another, often once a day. After the first year, you will be reading and socialising more and be less interested in your man. A woman's libido may also increase if testosterone levels rise in relation to declining female hormones.

According to Parry's report, endocrinology professor Ashley Grossman said that in this case, "testosterone is unmasked, which leads some women to experience an increased libido". Parry said libido is also awakened at any stage by a new partner. But for most of us, married, parenting or not, what Durban-based clinical psychologist Diante Fuchs described on womenshealthsa.co.za is too true: "Life gets in the way [of sex]. Stress, work and home obligations all play a role in decreasing women's sexual desire and libido."

We just have to ride out the wave that is a busy life and wait for a holiday, or a new partner or renewed interest in your current partner. Or make an effort to whip up interest because, as Erica Jong said in the New York Times, it's important to not let sex slip by: "Physical pleasure binds two people together and lets them endure the inevitable pains and losses of being human."

* The woman's name has been changed