My dream house heartache

In some instances, as in my case, love your phone if there's nobody to call your own.

I spent 24 hours in the house this past weekend with eight other media "house-mates", and as sad a portrait as this may paint, I missed conversing with my smart phone - more than I enjoyed the company of eight new friends.

Barring a few purple patches, I quickly realised during my short stay in the house why dating is so difficult.

It is because the trial-and-error of learning things about new people is most arduous.

I felt like Theodore Twombly in the Spike Jonze film Her.

Twombly, played by Joaquin Phoenix, falls in love with, and ends up dating, his new operating system, which is designed to meet his every need.

It fills the gap left by Twombly's wife during their impending divorce.

My similarly personalised relationship with my phone (no, it has no name), was most missed, especially because there was no dry red wine to ease the nothingness of my stay. Imagine feeling so lonely in the company of 10 or 12 other people?

If there was anything else to take from the experience it is that I will never commit to Big Brother, no matter how great the prospect of R1-million in prize money is.

I took a tour of what production crew call the "camera way", which is a dark alley where all 62 cameras are planted, and realised I'm not a big enough exhibitionist to want to be watched while taking a shower.

I also hate making small talk, sleeping on a single bed, liquor rations, hot water limits, and being at the mercy of anybody.

If this does nothing to turn you off the urge to try out, perhaps the audition, which involves psychological and medical tests, and a week alone in a hotel room, may slap some sense into you.

Big Brother will be on DStv channels 197 and 198. Highlights will be on Mzansi Magic.