Askin' fer a Glasgee kiss

I'm not an evil person on the whole, but an evil portion of my soul is quite easily activated.

Just invite me to play a game of Trivial Pursuit or 30 Seconds, then pour me two large glasses of wine during the proceedings, then win for a while, then cheat a little bit, then wait three seconds. Enter an incubus of mean-spiritedness, at stage right. An egotistical, petty and hyper-competitive demon. It rises from its habitual slumber, barks like Al Pacino and seizes the controls of my mind.

Normally I manage to handcuff this tetchy tokoloshe by quietly telling myself: "It's just a game, just a game, just a game. " But if said demon meets active resistance from another board-game Beelzebub across the table, then almost nothing can be done. A small hell will break loose. Eyebrows will be raised. Eyes will be rolled. Inflammatory, passive-aggressive words - notably "fine" and "relax" - will be uttered.

A similar thing is currently happening to the co-owner of Legia Warsaw, one Dariusz Mioduski, and his counterparts at Celtic. Except they're not playing Trivial Pursuit, they're playing the Champions League. You may have read the story, but if not: Celtic were recently violated to the tune of 6-1 over two legs by Legia - losing 4-1 in Warsaw and then 2-0 at Murrayfield - in the qualifying rounds of Europe's premier tournament.

But then the Bhoys got handed a ridiculous lifeline by an incompetent Legia official, who failed to enter a suspended player's name on the squad list for two friendlies against St Patrick's Athletic before the second leg of the play-off. The Poles thought Bartosz Bereszynski had served out his three-match suspension (he missed the Warsaw game) but technically he hadn't. He came on as a late sub at Murrayfield. Uefa noticed this oversight, and Celtic were awarded the leg 3-0, and thus progressed on the away goals rule.

The ludicrousness of the situation has awakened a whiny little demon in the soul of Legia's Mioduski, who sports a flamboyant mop of curly blond hair. He's an international energy lawyer by profession, and you would think such a career would weaken his moral antenna and heighten his acceptance that the rules are the rules - but no. In a letter to Celtic's management, Mioduski wrote: "I call on you to act according to the spirit of the game and rules of fair play - to issue a joint statement to the Uefa disciplinary bodies. Let's meet in Warsaw or Glasgow and settle this matter honourably.

"We found it deeply unfair and contradictory to the fair play rules to see our dreams shattered by the last four minutes of the already decided second leg match, when Bereszynski was brought on the pitch. Imagine Jock Stein and Billy McNeill deprived of the chance to achieve the biggest triumph in their career by an application form filled improperly by a club employee acting in good faith.

"Willie Maley once said that in your stadium 'a man is judged by his football alone'. Only you can decide whether this noble credo will be replaced by an opportunistic use of legal loopholes.

"I therefore call on you to refer your best traditions of honour and honesty, that your famous club has been known for during the last 126 years. Do not destroy the beautiful legacy that you inherited from the past generations of 'The Bhoys'."

Celtic responded with the written equivalent of a rain-diluted splash of piss against a pub wall. "We are disappointed by Legia Warsaw's comments," the club said. "This is entirely a matter for Uefa and its processes. Accordingly, we will reserve further comment for the appropriate time."

Translation: "Awa' an' bile yer heid, yer wee Polish pockle. Pick a windae, yer leavin'!"