It's a small step Siem, from Art Deco on hoof to brewing beer in a calabash

Our favourite Norwegian plaasjapie, Kjetil Siem, is facing deportation and is on the run from the authorities.

Hot on his heels are the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, who have reportedly lodged a formal complaint after the PSL honcho arrived at a wedding in a pair of zebra-skin shoes this week. We wonder what Siem's mates in Oslo would make of them when he finally takes his haul of African artefacts and curios back home. We hear Siem is seriously considering wearing a buffalo-hide suit to the next PSL board of governors meeting. Tsamaya is concerned at the extent to which he is embracing local culture. Before we know it, he'll be brewing his own beer in a calabash!

INJURED Orlando Pirates midfielder and knucklehead Benson Mhlongo has been doing some recuperating of his own. The Alexandra-born motor mechanic is out on R1000 bail after an unlicensed 16-shooter "gat" was found in his BMW in Nelspruit. Maybe Mhlongo and his cronies were on their way to "shoot" some game at the nearby Kruger National Park. What the hell is a footballer doing with a stolen "gat"?

THE Tsamaya crew read with interest that Aaron "Mbazo" Mokoena is being given the freedom of the City of London. Since he's lesser known in England than here, we wondered aloud what this really means for Mokoena. Will he get to look at dinosaur skeletons in the Natural History museum for free? Perhaps he'll spend all day riding up and down the Northern Line on the tube or getting free parking in the city for his snazzy sports car? Maybe he'll just spend the day humbly feeding pigeons on Trafalgar Square - it might be a long time before someone comes up and asks for his autograph.

DO CHIEFS supporters go to stadiums to watch football or to make coleslaw salad? Their habit of hurling carrots, cabbage and other vegetable missiles onto the pitch has cost the club over R1.6-million in recent years. Can you imagine Saddam Maake screaming to fellow Amakhosi maniac Machaka during halftime: "Could you kindly pass the salad dressing and the feta, Machaka?"

AS A result of the fans' misconduct, Kaizer Motaung addressed the media to make a public apology. The Chiefs chairman showed up sporting a plaster on his chiskop, prompting veteran journalist Sy "Don King" Lerman to remark: "So Kaizer, is that plaster a result of being hit by one of those missiles?"

IF YOU head down to Bidvest Wits training, you might notice something strange: assistant coach Eric Tinkler's potries (calf muscles) are as big as Thando Mngomeni's spindly thighs. Either Tinkler is superfit or the twinkle-toed Mngomeni is ultra slim. We hear that Wits have considered giving Mngomeni time off during the windy season - to avoid disaster.

WE READ with huge disappointment that Afzal Khan has been fired by Maritzburg United. But we are certain our smooth-talking friend will wriggle his way past some unsuspecting club boss to a plush job. Khan is as hard to get rid of as Freddy Krueger or any other legendary horror-movie character. He always comes back for that one last scare when you least expect it.

CAN you imagine having overzealous radio host Robert Marawa and club PROs Alex Shakoane (Sundowns), Mickey Modisane (Pirates) and George Mogotsi (Bidvest Wits) all screaming in one room? Well, that terrible event happened this week, when Marawa hosted the blowhard trio. The Metro FM studio was converted into a hot-air jamboree.