Ex-perpetrator is now the voice of a campaign to stop GBV and abuse

A former gender-based violence perpetrator has taken steps towards breaking the cycle of violence that pervaded his life and become the voice of a campaign to stop violence against women and children.

The heartfelt conversations Alexandra resident Lebogang Seboni had with his mother about her abuse by his father made him realise he had to stop violating women.

For years, Seboni, 33, verbally and emotionally abused his partners, leaving them shattered. But he began to realise the error of his ways after his mother, a GBV survivor, asked him to stop.

In 2020 Seboni was introduced to Father A Nation (FAN), an NGO that guides young men through their masculinity struggles. Here Seboni learnt lessons he is now imparting to other men as an anti-GBV campaigner.

Growing up in a home where his father often beat his mother normalised violence against women in Seboni’s eyes.

Dating as a teenager became Seboni’s practice grounds for asserting this version of manhood. He quickly began to emulate the behaviour of his older male relatives and friends around him.

At first it began with verbal threats and talking down to any girl he was dating or engaging. The threats and aggression soon escalated to the girls he dated in high school.

As we understood it, if your girlfriend was acting in a manner you didn’t like, you needed to slap her or hit her so she understood not to do that again.

—  Lebogang Seboni

“The girls came to expect it,” he said.

As did the women he dated in the years after high school.

“I saw a lot of violence growing up. In Alexandra a lot of us grew up the same way, regularly seeing older guys beating up women, especially their girlfriends. As we understood it, if your girlfriend was acting in a manner you didn’t like, you needed to slap her or hit her so she understood not to do that again,” said Seboni.

He often witnessed his father’s aggression towards his mother.

He eventually learnt his father had learnt copied his behaviour from his grandfather.

“I had to be the one to break the pattern,” he said. “My mother spoke to me. My father was an abuser physically, and she was afraid that I would go the same route if I didn’t stop.”

He channelled his energy into the FAN programme, where he learnt how men can bring positive masculinity into the communities they touch.

This was a very different narrative from the one Seboni was used to growing up — the idea that a man with physical strength can choose not to use it to wield power but to rather build families, communities and nations.

Seboni wants to help troubled men channel their energy towards building and not destroying.

Through his work with FAN, supported by Bettabets, he is one of the forces of good in his community, where he seeks to heal himself and others from the roots of GBV.

Men tend to listen to other men more than women when it comes to educating them to not be abusive.

—  Thandiwe McCloy, People Opposing Women Abuse

“Alexandra is a hotspot for GBV and violence in general. FAN’s aim is to restore, equip and inspire men to be great fathers, mentors and role models who stand against any form of abuse. We rely on funding and have seen many lives changed as men stop abusing and become better fathers and partners.

“Older men tend to resist change, while the younger guys are open. I have many men seeking me out for advice and help.”

Seboni said the abuse he doled out was also a lack of understanding of “how a good relationship should work and a response to verbal abuse” he suffered himself.

He said violence in Alexandra “feels like it’s out of control” at times, and he is working flat out to address GBV in his community.

“Building relationships and promoting open, honest dialogue builds trust, and that is when real transformation takes place.

“Also, so many men have grown up without good male role models and don’t know what positive, healthy masculinity looks like. Our job is to teach them and model the way.”

Thandiwe McCloy of People Opposing Women Abuse (Powa) said: “It's a good effort for a man to acknowledge his wrongdoing, change his ways and work towards addressing our high rates of GBV. Men tend to listen to other men more than women when it comes to educating them to not be abusive.”

“Physical abuse can be damaging and fatal where a woman loses her life or is crippled.

“Powa has counselled clients who have lost an eye from being beaten with an iron rod and women who have had acid poured on their face and body.

“Our clients, who have experienced verbal and emotional abuse, say the hardest form of abuse for them to heal is emotional abuse because while a physical wound heals, it is harder to heal the wounds caused by humiliation, insults, shouting and degradation, which often stays in their minds for years.”