It’s been a big week for shipping in and around Cape Town, so I understand if not many people noticed Lindiwe Sisulu pootling out across Table Bay en route to her latest job interview.
Certainly, her little ferry was literally overshadowed by the arrival of the Russian warship Admiral Gorshkov, dropping anchor briefly to let more Russians desert before heading off to Durban for those notorious upcoming war-games.
By now we’ve read plenty of cogent criticism of South Africa’s decision to host warships from two anti-democratic and authoritarian regimes that regularly commit human rights abuses; but beyond the politics, nobody has yet managed to explain to me what Russia hopes to gain in military terms from taking part.
After all, Russia’s entire military strategy, perfected in Syria, is based solely on land, as it targets civilian centres with massive artillery bombardments, forces the inhabitants to flee, then drives a column of tanks into what used to be the town square and claims the smouldering, uninhabitable crater as a win for God and Vladimir Putin.
Indeed, so far the Russian navy’s only contribution to the imperialist invasion of Ukraine has been to get memorably sworn at by the garrison of Snake Island, and then, once Ukraine acquired better missiles, have its flagship sunk and rush the rest of the fleet out of range.
Speaking of swearing brings me to the next bit of shipping news, where Steve Hofmeyr has sworn that he will never again set foot on an MSC cruise ship after the company cut him from the entertainment line-up on an upcoming trip to Namibia.
Those expecting Steve to reverse his car over a small plastic model of a cruise ship, however, are in for a disappointment: instead of going full DSTV on MSC, the singer has instead opted for the classic nine-year-old’s defence, telling his Facebook followers that even though he’s travelled on MSC cruises for 12 years, he never enjoyed it and didn’t really want to go this time anyway.
Sisulu knows that her time in government might be coming to an end. The cabinet is about to be reshuffled, and even if she survives, 2024 will not be kind to her.
“I don’t like getting seasick,” he explained. “You can throw up at your own house. You can barf in your garden if you want to. Who needs a cabin for that?”
He’s not wrong, of course. If my choices are going on the sort of cruise where Steve Hofmeyr is the evening’s entertainment, and listening to him while he and possibly I are seasick, or barfing in my garden at home, it’s the flower bed for me, every time.
All of which brings me back to Lindiwe Sisulu, who, coincidentally, combines the expensive pointlessness of the Russian navy with sometimes making noises from her mouth that cause people to feel slightly nauseous.
On Monday, the Tottenham Hotspur fan travelled to Robben Island, purportedly as part of an “initiative” to boost falling numbers of tourists visiting the historic site.
During a thoroughly photographed and tweeted walkabout, Sisulu urged the ANC to hold a lekgotla on the island to remind itself of its history and that of the country.
It soon became clear, however, that the trip was less about South Africa’s past than Sisulu’s future, as she lingered in impressively simulated reverie in the house that once imprisoned PAC founder Robert Sobukwe.
Sobukwe, of course, is a man partly erased from our history by Sisulu’s party for committing the cardinal sin of starting a liberation movement that wasn’t the ANC. Today, the historic protest organised by the PAC that changed the course of this country has had its name literally deleted from the calendar by the ANC: these days, March 21 is called Human Rights Day, not Sharpeville Day.
Sisulu knows her time in government might be coming to an end. The cabinet is about to be reshuffled, and even if she survives, 2024 will not be kind to her.
And so on Monday she did the only thing she could. She sent her CV yet again to the only people who will employ her once she is ditched: the radical economic transformation mob.
Lecturing the ANC on abandoning its history was a nice touch, but the bit that would have scored a bullseye with her prospective employers was the choice to ignore Nelson Mandela (viewed by many in the RET faction as a compromiser at best and a sell-out at worst) and instead to align her brand with a radical and impressive revolutionary who never got the recognition he deserved.
If only she’d been as good at her past jobs as she is at setting up her next one.
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