The taming of the tantrum

Judith Ancer: It is every parent's nightmare. Your toddler, face-down on the floor of the supermarket, howls dementedly. Legs flail, fists beat the floor. He is inconsolable, unmovable and unstoppable. Everyone stares and somebody mutters, "There goes the next Charlie Sheen." What can you do? Every action you can think of is a cliché: you can be Angry Monster Parent, bellowing and smacking, or Pathetic Suffering Parent, helpless while your little prince screeches and rages.

I think we all know what a tantrum is: a loss of control expressed as noisy screams, writhing, hitting, ranting, violent physical actions and a stubborn refusal to be soothed. You can also get prolonged breath-holding, most alarming to witness. A child can even start going grey or blue in the face -- but the body's automatic responses will always kick in at some point and breathing will resume.

Tantrums are common in children of all ages and both genders, especially between the ages of one and four, and may also occur in adolescence and adulthood - think Britney Spears, Mel Gibson, Julius Malema, Christian Bale ...

As a parent, you want to manage it early on so that it diminishes over time and you don't have a 45-year-old son screaming at you in the old-age home.

The incidence and severity of tantrums tend to decline over time, but when children continue to have severe tantrums this may predict future anti-social behaviours. Ongoing tantrums can indicate a difficulty with frustration tolerance, impulse control and self-soothing.

Kids who have language delays and neurological conditions (such as autism or cognitive impairment) might also be more prone to meltdowns. Some kids are more prone to having tantrums than others as a result of their differing temperaments.

First understand why tantrums happen: the obvious major cause is frustration. Imagine you've acquired a new phone with a different operating system and you can't figure out a way to send someone a business card, despite the 90-page instruction booklet. Suddenly you're tossing the booklet across the room and storming out. That's what it's like being a kid, grappling with an endless succession of life problems with fewer emotional and intellectual resources than parents have and also fewer inhibitions. Other common triggers of meltdowns are fatigue, hunger, dips in blood sugar, anxiety, jealousy and need for attention. So what should you do?

Keep cool. It might go away if ignored. Even if it doesn't, staying cool is deliberately not feeding the hungry monster of rage.

Review the relationship. Is your child getting enough of your attention? Giving more time and affection might reduce your child's stress levels and the likelihood of exploding and getting negative attention, which is seen as better than none at all.

Adopt confidence-building parenting strategies. I have spoken before of the importance of catching children when they are doing good, or giving them choices so that they feel they have control over their world: "Would you like to brush your teeth now or after this show?"

Manage the environment. When a tantrum begins, steer the trolley into the middle of the aisle or a quiet corner, away from stacks of consumer products. Move heavy or sharp objects away.

Distraction. Bring out a favourite toy, change rooms, tell a joke or make funny noises, look with great excitement at something in the distance, offer a reward.

Scaffold activities. Begin with a simple puzzle and move slowly to more difficult ones once your child has gained some mastery. Give helpful instructions when your daughter starts learning to tie her shoelace or set the table.

Physically intervene. For a severe tantrum where someone might get hurt, don't shout or hit. Wrap your arms firmly around the child and avoid their teeth; or have a time-out in a safe place, at least a minute for every year of age.

Consult an expert if you feel you aren't coping, if the tantrums are increasing in frequency and intensity, if your child is highly destructive or abusive, or if your child seems trapped for long periods in a negative mood such as depression or anger.

Peace of mind comes from understanding the inevitability of certain developmental behaviours in children and focusing on managing difficult behaviour. Don't waste time trying to teach your children never to be bad tempered; rather teach them how to be bad-tempered.

Ancer is a Johannesburg-based psychologist