Hogarth 06 November 2011

Hogarth does not suffer fools lightly and is compulsive reading for the millions of South Africans who share this intolerance.

Will somebody tell the minister to sit down and shut up?

HOGARTH loves it when a good piece of spin-doctoring goes awry. And so it was with the latest effort by Agriculture Minister Tina Joemat-Pettersson, when she tried to explain R420000 spent on a 28-day stay in a Sandton luxury guesthouse.

It started off reasonably well with: "I did not know the department was paying the guesthouse an astronomical amount of money, especially after I had asked that I be booked in a guesthouse to avoid the high cost of a hotel."

But then she lost the plot with some unnecessary detail: "My foot was in a cast, and at one stage I couldn't move. I was in a wheelchair. My protector had to help me in and out of the bath, and some of the other things."

Finally, she added an off-colour reference to sexual orientation: "And please, I do not have a husband, so my protector had to help me. And I'm also not a lesbian."

Will somebody please tell the honourable minister it's time to shut up?

Oops. There goes an ally

IT is not often that Deputy President Kgalema Motlanthe speaks his mind in public. And when he does, his words are carefully chosen so as to avoid offending anyone.

But this week he broke with tradition, telling newly elected DA leader Lindiwe Mazibuko that he was "happy" about Walmart's decision to invest in South Africa.

His statement flew in the face of a Competition Commission bid by Cosatu and three government ministers to have Walmart's acquisition of local retail group Massmart scrapped. Now Cosatu is calling Motlanthe a sellout.

"The deputy president assures DA parliamentary leader Lindiwe Mazibuko, a hardcore class enemy to the ANC's constituency - the working class - that Walmart is welcome!" said Cosatu in a statement.

While it may be too early to call the outcome of next year's ANC national conference, Hogarth suspects Motlanthe won't be expecting any votes from Cosatu House.

Prudent partnership

MOTLANTHE earned the nickname "the Monk of Mahlambandlopfu" because of his bachelor status.

No longer. This week he publicly unveiled his partner, Gugu Mtshali, as he hosted Prince Charles and his wife Camilla on Thursday night. With the ANC's 2012 conference around the corner, Hogarth thinks it was the presidential thing to do.

Tame badgering

HOGARTH has seen some sweetheart questions to ministers from ANC MPs in the past, but this surely takes the cake.

ANC MP Yolanda Botha asked Bathabile Dlamini, the Minister of Social Development what steps she had "taken to build a caring society in which children are inspired, motivated, involved and protected?"

Owing to limited time, the minister was not called on to face this scathing tongue-lashing.

Keeping up with the Kunenes?

HOGARTH noted that the Minister of National Planning, Trevor Manuel, warned South Africans against getting into debt to "keep up with the Kunenes".

He could only have been referring to Mr Sushi himself, Kenny Kunene, who famously said: "I ate sushi off a black girl in Johannesburg. In Cape Town, I ate it off a white girl."

Manuel got his phrasing wrong. He should have warned against "going down with the Kunenes".

Fatboy not very slim

HOGARTH hears that the well-fed nephew of President Jacob Zuma, Khulubuse, failed to give testimony at the insolvency inquiry of his failed mining company, Aurora Empowerment Systems, citing ill-health and obesity.

He told the Master of the High Court in Pretoria that he had one kidney and heart problems due to being overweight. Perhaps he could start by shedding some of the fat on his bank account. It could go a long way in feeding the destitute families whose salaries have not been paid by Aurora.

• Write to hogarth@sundaytimes.co.za