Party vocabulary: Mind your language

We are a nation with 11 official languages, and English i s our lingua franca - or at least a bizarre, funky, unique form of it.

We take everyday English words and breathe new meaning into them, or fuse them with words from other language groups to create hybrids that leave some purists fuming, or completely flummoxed.

But when they finally get it, they can't help but laugh out loud or at least smile and shake their heads.

If you want to be a hit at Christmas parties - the season is upon us - I recommend you familiarise yourself with some of these new and not-so-new words and expressions (educated people call them neologisms).

Ayoba! - cool, awesome (noun: ayobaness). It's been around for a while, but I still get some blank stares when I use it among melanin-deficient friends

Ben10 - derived from a character of the same name in a kiddies' cartoon show, a Ben10 is a male recipient of largesse from a female who is usually older.

Blesser - usually a man of financial means who showers his beneficiary (blessee) with gifts which can range from clothes and cars to houses and holidays in exotic destinations. However, blesser and blessee are not gender specific terms.

(i) Cooldrink - a small bribe you pay to traffic cops if you have committed a minor infraction.

Dololo - absent, missing. Used in a sentence: "Pirates were playing Supersport the other day. Goals or creative moves from Pirates? Dololo!" "I was expecting an end-of-year bonus. Dololo!"

Drum10 - people who speak grammatically correct isiZulu, with the appropriate accent (Eh hhe!). In a sentence: "These Drum10s are supporting Namba Wan simply because he is a fellow Drum10, not because he makes sense to them."

Eatist - derived from the word eat, this noun has been used by the EFF against the ruling ANC: "Our politicians are a bunch of eatists".

Fallist - an adherent of any of the "fallist" movements (#RhodesMustFall, #FeesMustFall, etc.)

Giraffe - used in verb form, to giraffe means to emerge. In a sentence, "After all this state-capture madness that Namba Wan has put us into, it is now only natural that Comrade Cyril must giraffe, otherwise this country will be history."

Gordhan! - a shrieking sound you make when you suddenly realise you've touched the wrong guy, you've started what you can't finish. A more refined, fence-mending, scholarly equivalent: "Pravinshaun is better than war."

Hoe - not a gardening tool.

Jonasbag - not to be confused with Jwanasbeg (how Eastern Cape people pronounce Johannesburg), the provenance of this noun can be traced to an encounter between Deputy Finance Minister Mcebisi Jonas and the Guptas who, in their honest belief thought that Jonas needed icold-drink which he would consume while driving home, offered him R600000 in a specially designed duffel bag.

Jonas jumped to his feet, saying, "Tyini, bafondini, iyasinda lengxuwa" (Gentlemen, this bag is too heavy), and he ran to his car, leaving the offer behind.

Jonasbag, then, is a duffel bag stuffed with banknotes that you're hiding from the taxman.

KhanyiMbau - owing its roots to that splendiferous lady of the same name, this noun has come to mean gold digger. This, unfortunately, is an inaccurate interpretation. The more apt one is "one who will leave your pockets hanging out, but you will still revel in the afterglow of having been properly fleeced - and wouldn't mind falling under her spell once again".

Lituation - a contraction of lit and situation, this alludes to a hot, vibrant situation. In a sentence: "Malema's whisky party was a lituation, my Fighter!"

Nicodemusly - in ANC parlance, you do not discuss things in secret, nor do you take them "offline" - you deal with them "Nicodemusly". This after the biblical fellow, Nicodemus, who would visit Jesus in secret, at night, as he did not want his friends to know he was beginning to buy into Jesus's teachings.

Oros - owing its roots to the rotund mascot on the packaging of a popular beverage of the same name, the term has been captured by the ANC Youth League to pay tribute to their president Collen Maine who has a remarkable girth. It can be used to anyone who matches Maine's proportions - male or female.

Pantypreneurs - A not so complimentary reference to women who use sex to gain favour with the political elite.

Political Pothole - a person who's politically reckless (especially within the ANC).

Popcorning - from our ANC wordsmiths, this is a synonym for "grandstanding". Used in a sentence: "Jackson Mthembu must be brought to order for all this popcorning he's been doing. Why does he raise ANC matters publicly?"

Roll-on - secret lover. Called a roll-on because you put them under your armpit. Other synonyms: makhwapheni, inyatsi, side-piece (woman), or side-niggah (man) or ishende. And please, please, do not omit the h in this last word; otherwise it means something entirely different.

Saxonwold Shebeen - like that imaginary place called Utopia where there's always laughter and drinks are tastier, Saxonwold Shebeen is where people go to for respite from the pressures of high office and load shedding.

Steve Hofmeyr - owing its origin to the name of the once-famous musician in reference to a man who's so prolific in bed he doesn't know how many kids he has. As in: "Hey, that one doesn't play, he's Steve Hofmeyr." After all, how would a man know how many children he has? Only the mother knows who the father is, duh!

Sleepist - coined by the EFF firebrand Mbuyiseni Ndlozi in tribute to Minister of International Relations and Cooperation Maite Nkoana-Mashabane, who was captured by TV cameras sleeping during a hot parliamentary debate, this term has come to describe anyone who sleeps on the job.

Venda Banker - that inscrutable, resourceful friend who always comes to your rescue, especially where finances are concerned. He speaks all South African languages, but no one speaks his language.

Sometimes people think he should be the next president, but as soon as things return to "normal", people forget about him.

Khumalo's new book #ZuptasMustFall and Other Rants now at bookstores