Smartphones spur on stupid fights

Phone addictions are wrecking relationships and keeping shrinks in business writes Claire Keeton

Somewhere in the sea, a satellite phone is sleeping with the fishes - one small casualty of the growing wave of smartphone stress.

Wits psychology researcher Ted White is studying the often toxic effect of smartphone addiction on families and couples.

One woman he interviewed took her exec husband on a cruise, knowing his phone wouldn't work at sea. She wanted time alone with him since he was preoccupied with business - and on his phone - 24/7/365. But he bought a satellite phone for the trip. During a heated argument, she threw it overboard.

White has found that stress follows smartphones home - and partners get frustrated and angry at this invasion. "They throw phones out of windows. They switch them off and hide them," he says.

"Smartphones are always a third party in the relationship," says Mandy Russell, a performance coach from Cape Town.

They're a convenient way to stay connected, and people don't notice how much they can interrupt relationships.

"A smartphone can be a digital leash, controlling your life if you let it," warns White.

Of course, it's a choice. Yet people often prioritise their devices without realising it. Colinda Linde, a cognitive behavioural therapist from Joburg, says: "When the device pings or buzzes, we feel compelled to respond. We are like Pavlov's dog. We tend to prioritise the devices even when with our family, friends or loved ones."

It's called technoference - "everyday intrusions in couple interactions, which occur due to technology."

A survey of 143 couples by US researchers Brandon McDaniel and Sarah Coyne found 70% of relationships were interrupted by cellphones, smartphones, computers or TV.

"Many of these interruptions are likely unintentional but can still send a message that the device is more important than one's partner. If this happens frequently, the relationship could suffer," writes McDaniel, of Pennsylvania University.

He adds that outgoing people and those who are lonely or depressed are more susceptible to the compulsive use of devices.

A quarter of the women surveyed said that at least once a day, their male partners SMSed other people during their face-to-face conversations. A third of them said their partners checked their phones during meal times together.

Cybercheating is another threat to relationships. A Gauteng psychologist said 90% of his clients, aged 20 to 35 years, had been betrayed through cybercheating, which includes the sending of pornographic pictures and inappropriate text messages.

"My caseload has increased because of phones," says Mochabo Moerane, a clinical psychologist.

The misinterpretation of messages and loss of context is another risk of phone communication.

People get addicted to phones through a similar mechanism to gambling. "Most of the time, nothing happens but sometimes we get a nice surprise," says psychologist Tom Stafford from the University of Sheffield.

Tech analyst Arthur Goldstuck says smartphones " play into our basic impulses - an almost primitive human need to not just know what's going on but also feel part of what's going on. We no longer have situations where we are out of touch with our loved ones.

"The negative side is that we find it difficult to escape the intensity of communication with loved ones, work colleagues or anyone who wants to get hold of us."

Except, perhaps, at sea.

QUIZ: HOW CLOSE ARE YOU AND YOUR HANDSET?

Answer yes or no.

1) Is your phone always within reach, with the sound on?

2) Do you SMS when you walk or drive?

3) Do you check your phone before you get out of bed and during the night?

4) Do you use your phone during meals or when playing with your children?

5) Do you look at your phone while having sex?

6) Do you rely on your phone to change plans at the last minute?

7) Do you turn to your phone for comfort?

8) Do you take a daily selfie?

9) Has a loved one told you that you spend too much time on your phone?

10) Is it acceptable to use your phone in any situation?

If you answer yes to most questions in this unscientific quiz, maybe it's time to switch off .