Fairytale goes awry when bipolar devastates a family

It was a fairytale romance come true for Gerhard* when he met an irresistible 19-year-old woman in May 1997. They were married by September. But the couple, who worked at the SA Revenue Service, were not destined to have a happy ending despite their love for each other and lasting commitment.

Their relationship bloomed for the first year, until Suzi* gave birth to their daughter in November 1998. “She was not interested in the baby. She would put bottles in the bin and nappies in the fridge,” he recalls of the young mother, who was first diagnosed with “baby blues” or postpartum depression.

The depression worsened during her maternity leave, and she would walk out of the house. Then Suzi swung into another state, acting strangely, talking a lot and throwing things.

A psychiatrist admitted her to a private clinic in Springs and, every few weeks she would be discharged but end up in hospital again. “Eventually the doctor suspected it was bipolar,” says Gerhard.

When he visited Suzi in hospital the first time, he discovered her holding court with old boyfriends. Taking sexual risks is one of the symptoms of a manic or hypomanic episode, while other behaviours include reckless spending, being sleepless and wired, increased energy, impulsiveness and distractibility.

“For the first 18 months of my daughter’s life, I fed her and looked after her,” Gerhard says. “Then things got better, and we had long periods of normalcy.”

When their son was born in 2003, he says they were better prepared and her medication was increased to lessen the risks.

She left home with three suitcases and a laptop. When she got home she had nothing.

High-risk behaviour, such as blowing money and infidelity, remained a source of tension for the couple, however, and he says his wife’s affairs caused her to resign from more than one job.

They went from a two-breadwinner family with a solid income to a single income, then Gerhard’s salary was more than halved when he left his Sars job to become a tax consultant at a firm closer to Vereeniging.

“This ruined us financially, but I wanted to be closer to my children at school. I could see the effect [the bipolar] was having on them,” he says. Untreated bipolar often wrecks people’s financial stability and families.

To gain some understanding of her condition, Gerhard did a degree in psychology through Unisa. “I was working full-time, but it helped me to cope with a lot of things,” he says.

Mental health professionals urge the family members of those affected by illness to learn about the condition, for themselves and their loved ones.

Suzi’s family had a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs as she went on and off treatments, sometimes losing touch with reality. She accused Gerhard of abuse then withdrew the charge, and “she attacked me with a pair of scissors and my son had to take them away”, he says of a severe manic episode in 2020.

Suzi would disappear and he would report her missing. During lockdown she was found wandering around the deserted terminals of OR Tambo airport, wanting to board a flight to the US when no planes were flying.

“She left home with three suitcases and a laptop. When she got home she had nothing,” he recalls her airport trip. “She was so vulnerable. That she has never been abused or attacked during a manic episode is a miracle.”

At that time Suzi demanded he file for divorce and Gerhard was given sole custody of the children — another of the mounting losses bipolar inflicted on the whole family.

Cape Mental Health deputy director Santie Terblanche says: “People with bipolar are often regarded as the spirit of the party, but when they are at the other end, that is not where friends follow, and family bear the brunt of this.”

“They need to be very alert and identify the red flags early on to prevent relapses,” she says.

In November 2020, Suzi was readmitted to a psychiatric ward in a government hospital in Springs for two months, but it was bleak. Instead Gerhard found the Tabita Care Centre, a farm outside Vereeniging.

A centre “for adults with severe, persistent mental illness”, Suzi has been living at Tabita with a dozen women who are bipolar since December 2020. Gerhard speaks to her midweek, visits her every Saturday, and the children take turns to visit, he says.

“There are no normal stresses there, and she has had no setbacks,” he says. “I’m grateful she has never tried to commit suicide over the years.”

“The children are still fond of her, and I’m still in love with her,” says Gerhard. “I still love her.”

To cope with the catastrophic losses they have all suffered, Gerhard founded a SA depression and anxiety bipolar support group for family members, which has grown to more than 30 members across SA in the past year.

This has supported him, and he is able to help others struggling to accept the diagnosis and behaviour of those close to them. “It is a chance for us to talk,” he says. “Nobody tells anybody what to do.”

*First names or pseudonyms have been used to protect the privacy of certain individuals interviewed.