Square root? That's a julienned carrot: Paige Nick

Ever wonder how smart you are? I've always avoided finding out, in case I was disappointed by the answer, writes Paige Nick.

Tests have never been my strong point. I made it through matric, but only because lower grade was an option. I like to think my lukewarm results were due less to a lack of intelligence than to a surplus of fun, multiplied by a deficit of focus.

The IQ test has been considered the gold standard in measuring intelligence since it was invented in 1912. But how do you measure smarts when they come in so many different forms? There's fluid intelligence, which is problem solving using reasoning; and crystallised intelligence, which is based on education and experience.

Professional IQ tests usually give a score, and break that down into the individual's strengths and weaknesses. Things such as age, socioeconomic factors, and, to a small degree, parents' IQ, are also taken into account. Gender used to be a factor, but that fell away when men realised women would bliksem them if they even hinted that we weren't mentally equal.

According to complicated algorithms which someone with a very high IQ must have formulated, they say 95% of us score between 70 and 130. Less than 1% rank between 145 and 159, while an IQ bet ween 160 and 175 makes you an extraordinary genius.

So I decided to see how I stacked up. I could have saved myself the time: trusting an IQ test on the internet proves I'm of below-average IQ. I chose www.iqtest.com out of the thousands of tests on the net, because they have the most legitimate-sounding URL. I refuse to be the idiot taking the test on doyouhavemonkeybrains.com.

Of course I'm no dummy (at least I hoped not, but time would tell), so I was prepared to spend 20 minutes doing the test and then at results time, be diverted to the page asking for my credit card details.

Fortunately at the end of this test they e-mail your results for free, but also generate "your complete personal intelligence profile", which can be accessed for $19.95. I went for the free take-my-IQ-and-run option. But I'm pretty sure they'll sell my e-mail address to a third party and make their 20 bucks that way instead. These people know from smarts.

Before taking the test you do a practice run of three warm-up questions, for example: "Two ducks and two dogs have a total of 14 legs - true or false?

For the actual test you have to work mentally (no pen or paper), and answer true or false to 38 statements. If it takes you more than 20 seconds to answer a question, or if the whole test takes longer than 13 minutes, your score is lower. Half the trick is staying focused, thinking quickly, and not checking your e-mail or Facebook for 15 whole minutes.

Of the 38, I counted 17 questions that relied on mathematics, 11 based on word play and 10 measuring reasoning and logical thinking.

Wait, there's got to be more to intelligence than that? What about the other important questions that measure how much you know, like if Superman and Spiderman got in a battle, who would win? Or if a label says "Best before November 20", does that mean it's still good on November 20?

I'm naturally terrible with numbers. The other day someone asked me to rate my happiness on a scale of one to 10, and it took me a week to figure it out. And having to deal with numbers dropped my happiness from a nine to a seventy-eleven.

By question 20 I started guessing at some of the more complicated math answers. It was a calculated risk - I could possibly get them right, but it would take me longer than 20 seconds, so I went with a quick guess and 50-50 odds instead.

Ultimately I scored 124. Towards the upper end of average. I felt irked; surely I'm smarter than that? Look, I'm even in the newspaper. I briefly considered clicking through to the detailed performance test, where they measure the things I'm better at, like visual processing or reaction speed. But I wasn't about to fork 20 bucks over to some random blokes on the internet for that. I may be dumb, but I'm not stupid. LS

Write to Nick at amillionmilesfromnormal@gmail.com or follow her on Twitter at @paigen.