Making the pain bite back is theroad to redemption

Research indicates that counselling delinquents to understand the damage their actions have caused prevents repeat offences

A24-YEAR-OLD man high on crack cocaine breaks into a neighbour's house, roughs her up and steals her television set. A teenage girl photoshops a picture of a classmate's head onto a nude photo she lifted from the internet. An eight-year old boy steals his friend's cricket bat and tries to pass it off as his own.

Three crimes I know about, unrelated except for one thing: in each case the offenders were not merely punished or made to apologise, but carefully counselled on how to face up to their actions and repair the damage they had caused to the victim.

The term for this approach is "restorative or reparative justice" and there is some evidence it reduces the rate of re-offending.

Restorative justice is not just something the legal system needs to think about, but parents and teachers as well.

It's not uncommon to hear people moan about the lost art of the apology, but I think there is a case to be made for the overuse of apologies. Think of the sort of thing a footballer says after his brutal foul or racial insult has made the headlines, and before his next foul and racial epithet.

There are also plenty of high-profile politicians and celebrities whose apologies are carefully crafted - but as substantial as communion wafers.

And we all know the kid who has his apology out even before you've requested it - you find yourself accepting it, but with the uneasy feeling that it may not be truly heartfelt.

There are two types of sorries. One is a hollow parroting of the word, designed to get people off your back so you can get on with life again.

The other is genuine: someone helps the offender to understand the impact their actions have had on someone else so the wrongdoer can actually empathise with the victim's feelings. It's normal for preschool children not to say or feel sorry, as they are naturally egocentric and don't have much empathy.

The role of parents here is to model, teach and nourish this empathy, so that, by about eight years old, children should be able to apologise with conviction and understanding.

A significant inability to make amends at this age is predictive of future problem behaviour.

Here are five steps parents and teachers can use to teach offenders genuine remorse:

Ask them to think about what they did wrong and then state the specifics. What exactly have they done to the victim and how do they think the victim feels? They should put this into words. Make sure they understand this before moving on;

Help them to consider the best time and place to apologise. In some cases a little time might need to pass for heightened emotions to settle. The apology could also be orally or in another form, such as a written note or, for young children, a drawing;

Get them to apologise in brief, simple and sincere words;

Importantly, encourage them to explain what actions they will take to fix the situation; what can they do to make amends; and

Give time for the relationship between the offender and the victim to heal.

If restorative justice is indeed effective in reducing recidivism; it's probably because it's not just a mechanical ritual, but a process of learning to empathise with the victim.

Saying sorry is a monologue, but being taken through your actions and facing up to the victim fosters dialogue.

Of course, you could simply invoke the rules of your family or the school code of conduct and punish the person accordingly. There is a place for this.

But ask yourself: is the crime mainly an offence against a code of conduct, or is it an offence against an individual or a community? If it is the latter, then that individual must be involved in the offender's making good.

Restorative justice aims to evoke genuine remorse. The origin of the word "remorse" is fascinating, and points to my main argument, coming as it does from Latin and meaning "to bite again".

In other words, in feeling remorse the offender feels the bite of pain again.

So saying sorry and feeling sorry hurts, it isn't easy. But it makes all the difference between raising a socially responsible, empathic individual and a psychopath.