Short Report

JZ is not wrong - the ANC is being destroyed by witchcraft and ghosts

08 September 2017 - 11:41
President Jacob Zuma.
President Jacob Zuma.
Image: Thuli Dlamini

Why has the ANC failed to take back the Western Cape from the Democratic Alliance? Jacob Zuma isn’t sure‚ but he has a pretty good theory: witchcraft and ghosts.

Speaking to a Rent-A-Crowd in the Strand yesterday‚ the Guptas’s head butler warned that the witches and ghosts who had won the province for the opposition had all sorts of cunning methods at their disposal‚ including‚ mysteriously‚ “electricity”.

This was an important discovery‚ because it suggests that load shedding might have been in our best interests after all‚ a sort of automated exorcism designed to cut those pesky electric witches off at the knees.

But the witch-shedding announcements paled into insignificance when Zuma doubled down and once again confirmed that the ANC has the backing of the Lord God Almighty. (I assume God votes as an expat.)

In theological terms this was genuinely shocking revelation. Given that the ANC is splitting in half‚ can’t govern its way out of a soggy brown paper bag full of dollars‚ rupees and dirhams‚ and is in real danger of losing power‚ we now have to assume that God doesn’t even have the power to save a tiny gang of sinners in a distant backwater. Saints preserve us.

There was a lot to mock in the Puppet-In-Chief’s ramblings. But the funny thing is he’s not entirely wrong. The ANC really is being destroyed by witchcraft and ghosts.

The practitioners of the dark arts are spread across the planet. Some are in Dubai‚ others in the London offices of Bell Pottinger. A few even cook up their noxious little potions in the newsroom at ANN7. And with every spell they cast and every ANC cadre or businessperson they bewitch and beguile‚ the party crumbles further.

It is the ghosts‚ however‚ that are doing the worst damage‚ because they are everywhere; haunting every corner of this country‚ hanging like smoke in schools‚ government offices‚ police stations and dark streets.

They are the ghosts of accountability and respect‚ assassinated in broad daylight by the giggling Mad King and his toadies in Parliament. They are the ghosts of potential‚ bludgeoned to death in a thousand primary schools. They are the ghosts of hope‚ strangled in its crib by the ANC’s decision to back feudal warlords rather than to pursue economic justice for the people who put it in power‚ or to protect the institutions that are the only hope of achieving that justice.

Yes‚ when it comes to witches and ghosts‚ Jacob Zuma speaks the truth.