REVIEW | In the game of Golf the VW Tiguan R is the real performance ace

There are few certainties in this world at the moment. Between rampant climate change, a Russian madman hellbent on returning to the bad old days of the USSR and an equally unstable North Korean dictator who has a penchant for playing with rockets, it’s anybody’s guess how the next few years or so are going to pan out.

One thing we can say with a certain degree of confidence, however, is that when it comes to this motoring malarky there’s no quashing the populace’s appetite for SUVs. Small ones. Big ones. Hybrid ones. Electric ones. Crazy fast ones. If manufacturers build ‘em you can be sure people will buy ‘em.

As such us scribes spend a lot of time testing SUVs of varying shape and substance. And the last one inside my carport was a Volkswagen Tiguan R licked in a stealthy shade of Lapiz Blue Metallic. Nice. Now I’ve always been quite fond of the Tiguan as, together with the Touareg, it’s one of the OGs of Volkswagen’s ever-growing SUV/crossover family — not a superfluous gap-filler like the T-Roc or Taigo.

Anyway, this mid-sized people-mover usually comes paired to a sensible turbodiesel engine and suspension calibrated for comfort on the school run, but here things are very different. Pop the bonnet and you’ll find the same high-output EA888 motor as you get in the latest-generation Golf R.

A champion of the Vape Bro tuner community, this turbocharged lump sends its impressive cache of horsepower through a seven-speed DSG transmission to a trick all-wheel drive system that can distribute as much as 50% of available torque to the rear axle. There’s also something called R-Performance Torque Vectoring that can split power between the left and right rear wheels. Similar to the system doing duty in the current Audi RS3, this system is claimed to help the 1,746kg Tiguan R turn into corners better and follow the steering angle with more precision. 

Does it work? Damn right it does. Backed up by additional go-faster hardware such as a lowered chassis (-10mm), adaptively controlled shock absorbers and huge 21-inch alloy wheels clad with sticky low-profile rubber, the Tiguan R handles with unshakable poise; attacking apexes with minimal drama and maximum grip — even at speeds well over the legal limit. It hides its heft well and as such feels remarkably pointy and responsive even through tighter, twistier coils of tarmac.

It’s not very playful or interactive (the Wolfsburg engineers chose to omit the lairy rear biased drift mode setting you get in the Golf R) but for those who favour stability over histrionics the Tiguan R ticks all boxes and then some. Steering feel? It’s average at best, but then most modern cars this side of a Porsche 911 Carrera aren’t exactly brimming with feedback. At least the steering wheel itself is nice to hold and complements the excellent driving position and frame-hugging leather sports seats.

Raw pace is impressive, and when you stomp on that throttle the Tiguan R hunkers down and reels in the horizon with an urgency that can make bona fide sports cars sweat. The seven-speed DSG transmission is a masterful swapper of cogs and when used in conjunction with the standard launch control system offers a level of off-the-mark acceleration that seems comically at odds with a car of this size and stature.

Volkswagen says the Tiguan R will hustle its way to 100km/h in just 5.1 seconds; the claim in real-world terms feels pretty much bang on the money. I only wish this pace was backed up by a more pleasing soundtrack because despite the presence of an optional (R69,000) Akrapovič sports exhaust, this SUV has a timbre more Michael McDonald than Metallica. 

Another thing that got my attention was how well the Tiguan R coped with Johannesburg’s generally appalling road conditions. Twenty-one inch alloy wheels (another R17,500 option) wrapped with skinny performance tyres usually make for a bone-rattling ride, but here — probably due to those adaptive dampers working overtime — things proved surprisingly compliant. From lumpy mid-corner asphalt to mildly corrugated dirt roads, this SUV does a commendable job at smoothing over imperfections.

Consequently the Tiguan R comes across as a fine all-rounder: an agreeable everyday driving proposition that builds explosive straight-line shove and rock-solid handling into an elevated, family-friendly platform that at times often had me scratching my head as to why the Golf R exists. Priced at just more than the R1m mark the Tiguan R doesn’t come cheap, and tempting options can add a significant amount of extra change on top of this. Still, considering this Volkswagen’s diverse talents, dapper aesthetics and enviable badge cachet, it should surely prove to have no shortage of suitors. 

Well, provided that certain people can keep their trigger fingers from pushing any buttons …

Fast Facts: 2023 Volkswagen Tiguan R

Engine: 2.0l four-cylinder turbocharged petrol

Power: 235kW from 5,200 to 6,600rpm

Torque: 400Nm from 2,100 to 5,350rpm

Transmission: Seven-speed DSG

0-100km/h: 5.1 seconds (claimed) 

Top speed: 250km/h (limited) 

Fuel: 10.7l/100km (achieved) 

Price: from R1,014,900 (R1,163,400 as tested)