JENNIFER PLATT | True, evil, lawful or chaotic — what type of reader are you?

“I got books. They’re multiplying. And I’m losing control. Thoughts of fire, it’s a-terrifying.” I constantly sing this to the tune of You’re the One that I Want from the film Grease. Right now, the piles have become precarious. I’m not complaining, but I am always trying to tidy up and put them in a good place. My partner is building me another bookshelf. He’s marvellous like that. A keeper.

This made me think of how I treat my books and what is the best way to keep them. US author Fran Lebowitz talks about her childhood habit of picking up a book after it fell and kissing it. She writes: “You know, Jews, when they drop a prayer book are supposed to kiss it. This is what they teach you when you’re very little. It seemed entirely reasonable to me that you would do that. When I was a child I would kiss any book I dropped. When I was a very little child, after I’d read a book I really liked I’d kiss it. Love is really the word.”

I sometimes hug a book I love after I’ve finished it. Also, when I give it to another person. I suppose it’s a sort of goodbye.

I sometimes hug a book I love after I’ve finished it. Also, when I give it to another person. I suppose it’s a sort of goodbye.

The Library of Congress, which is the de facto national library of the US, has a few recommendations as well. These are its five tips on treating a book well:

• Clean hands, always!
• Keep books upright or lying flat; leaning them to one side will eventually break the spine.
• Remove books from a shelf by gripping the spine on both sides, at the middle of the book; over time, pulling at the top of the spine damages the binding.
• Keep books away from direct sunlight, heating/cooling vents and high humidity; don’t forget to dust them, too.
• Shelve books of similar size together; the covers of neighbouring books will help support each other.

Now, thanks to the popularisation of the Dungeons and Dragons alignment chart, we can categorise readers. The chart features a nine-square grid. At the top are “lawful”, “neutral” and “chaotic”. Then, on the side, are “good”, “neutral” and “evil”. There are plenty of these memes, covering everything from Gilmore Girl characters to ice cream flavours. For instance, Lorelai Gilmore and rum and raisin ice cream are chaotic evil. That’s my truth and I’m sticking to it. 

According to the graph above, which describes what type of reader you are based on how you use bookmarks, I am neutral evil — I leave books open and face down — and chaotic evil — I dog-ear. Shameful, I know. I’m always fascinated when I see people use bookmarks. If I do try, I always lose them and I need about six at once because I pick my way through about that many books a week. My mom sometimes used receipts and, still today, if I pick up a book of hers a now-unreadable, smudged receipt falls out. A book is a treasure (such a cliché, I know), but it also holds treasures. Treat them well.