Leaving Home‚ but Not the Folks

A few weeks ago‚ boarding school students in the Northeast began moving into their dorm rooms armed with all the usual clatter. The Indian print tapestries‚ the athletic gear‚ the odd beanbag chair. But a few of them arrived with some extra equipment: their parents.

In towns like Lakeville‚ Washington Depot and Sharon‚ Connecticut; Millbrook‚ New York; Deerfield and North Andover‚ Massachusetts; and Newport and Middletown‚ Rhode Island‚ some families are buying or renting houses and apartments to be close to their children‚ who are living in dorms.

It’s a practice nearly unheard-of in decades past‚ although it is the case that Gen. Douglas MacArthur’s mother followed him to college at West Point‚ renting a suite at a hotel overlooking the school. While Pinky MacArthur exhibited a 19th-century version of helicopter-parent behavior - nudging her son to study‚ writing a chief of staff to encourage him to promote her boy - these parents’ choices‚ they say‚ reflect a confluence of factors: a new emphasis on family life and new realities regarding work flexibility and longevity.

And for many‚ a second home in a boarding-school town is a steppingstone to a life in that town once the child has graduated and moved on.

The ability to be geographically independent from a professional standpoint means families can make choices they wouldn’t have been able to 30 years ago‚ said Ruth Kennedy Sudduth‚ director of the residential brokerage division of LandVest‚ which handles major properties throughout New England.

“It’s really quite prevalent‚” Kennedy Sudduth said‚ adding that her firm is listing a $3 million-plus house in the North Andover area for a Boston-based investment manager whose children were boarders at Phillips Academy in Andover. “Maybe it was weird for MacArthur’s mother to follow him around‚ but now it’s not at all unusual. Families‚ particularly affluent families‚ have the ability to be family-centered in their choices of where to live. Ultimately‚ when economic imperatives aren’t driving things‚ it is a quest for meaning and a better life‚ not simply a desire to be on hand for games on Wednesday and Saturday. It becomes a choice: How is the entire family life enriched by having the opportunity to be in a really neat community?”

Five years ago‚ Stephanie and Chris Comfort were living in Englewood‚ Colorado‚ when their daughter‚ Katie‚ started looking at boarding schools. Stephanie Comfort‚ now 51‚ was working for Qwest‚ the telecommunications company‚ and Chris Comfort‚ now 55‚ was a banker pursuing a second career as an addiction counselor. A year and a half into Katie’s tenure at the Hotchkiss School in Lakeville‚ Connecticut‚ Qwest merged with another company.

“I had been flying back and forth‚” Comfort said. “But the merger presented an opportunity to rethink how we spent our time. When our son started to look at following in Katie’s footsteps‚ we bought a place here. So it was this convergence of events. You call it Chapter 2. Certainly it’s easier to think about this change having the monetary flexibility.”

The Comforts are splitting their time between their house in Colorado and Lakeville‚ where Stephanie Comfort is now working at a strategy and brand consulting firm.

“You realize the trappings of what you find yourself keeping busy with‚” she added. “Not that Denver is high-speed‚ but there is the frenetic moving around. You come to a place like Lakeville‚ where people clearly have passions‚ but it’s in this very bucolic‚ peaceful place. It gives you permission to surrender the trappings. It’s beyond just 'I want to be at my daughter’s volleyball game.' Not that I didn’t want to do that‚ too.”

Elyse Harney Morris‚ a principal at Elyse Harney Real Estate in Salisbury‚ Connecticut‚ said that her market is “directly impacted by the prep-school parents.” It started after 9/11 and picked up in earnest five years ago‚ she said.

“Now‚ it’s more than 30 percent of our business‚” she said. “We are right in the heart of prep school land: Hotchkiss‚ Millbrook‚ Salisbury‚ Berkshire. In this area‚ education is our No. 1 job producer. In the beginning‚ parents buy or rent to be closer to their children. As the students get to be juniors‚ we see more people saying‚ 'I have to be there as a support system as they are getting through that college push.' People think it’s a four-year commitment‚ but then there are siblings and it’s eight years‚ and they have become entrenched in the area.”

And the prep-school cohort is the higher-range market‚ she said: houses priced from $900‚000 to $5 million and September-to-May rentals that range from $2‚000 to $4‚500 a month. Factor in boarding school tuition‚ which is typically more than $50‚000 a year‚ and you’re talking about a significant investment.

There are tales of optimistic investing‚ like the couple who recently bought a house in a town where they hope their child might attend boarding school a year from now. And tales of investments gone awry‚ like the New York City family that rented in a boarding-school town for their son’s freshman year; they renewed the lease the following year‚ but when he was asked to leave the school in October‚ they still had to honor the lease‚ which ran through the following May.

There are also scenarios that don’t fit the mold.

Nancy Garcia Ponte‚ 50‚ a Rhode Island lawyer‚ was a runaway at 15‚ she said. She had her first daughter at 20 and put herself through law school while waitressing. Now divorced from her second husband‚ she has moved from their home in Cranston to an apartment in Newport because her daughter‚ Ally‚ is a freshman at the Portsmouth Abbey School nearby. Garcia Ponte was determined‚ she said‚ to stay connected to Ally in a way her mother wasn’t able to do with her.

“When my daughter brought up boarding school‚ that was something that was so foreign to me‚” she said. “I’m 100 percent Puerto Rican. Neither side of my family had ever set foot in something like that. It’s a fabulous opportunity for her‚ but I’m not ready to give up parenting.”

Not that Garcia Ponte will see her daughter much. Local parents are encouraged to stay away the first few weeks‚ “so the children can acclimate‚” she said. “And they only get two weekends away per trimester.”

When Barbara and Marc Weiss’ daughter told them she was going to apply to boarding school‚ Barbara Weiss recalled her reaction. “What do you mean‚ you’re going to live at school? I never knew anyone who went to boarding school.”

Her daughter’s peers in Bergen County‚ New Jersey‚ she added‚ mostly attended parochial and public schools. Marc Weiss works in a family business; Barbara Weiss had been a fundraiser and is now an interior designer.

“Unlike our parents‚ we’ve got an extra 10 years of working and living‚” she said. “Nothing is broken at home‚ but we’re done with the suburbs.”

So the Weisses‚ both 50‚ began renting in various towns in the area as all three of their children ended up at Hotchkiss‚ and Marc Weiss commuted to New Jersey.

“It’s been a challenge‚ but we love it here‚” Barbara Weiss said. “I couldn’t have asked for a better way to bring up our kids. We got to see all their games. We weren’t so much chasing them so much as we were fortunate they had chosen that place. I only saw my son in the hallways once‚ and he was like‚ 'Mom‚ what the heck?'”

Last week‚ Kristine Moshem‚ 47‚ was shopping for throw pillows at the Hammertown Barn in Pine Plains‚ New York‚ to spruce up her new rental‚ a gardener’s cottage on the old Flagler estate in Millbrook that rents for $2‚800 from Labor Day through Memorial Day. Moshem’s daughter‚ Megan‚ is a sophomore at the Millbrook School and the family lives full-time in Miami.

“Last year I felt like I was commuting so much and still missing out‚” said Moshem‚ whose son‚ now in college‚ remained at the same day school from kindergarten through 12th grade‚ a place where she knew every teacher‚ every parent. "Megan is super-independent and fine with the adjustment of boarding school. It was just us‚ as parents. She’s our youngest child. She’s a dancer and plays soccer. Last year‚ she would talk about friends‚ performances. What was I going to do‚ fly up?

“When we posed the idea of a school rental‚ she fought us tooth and nail. 'I don’t need you up here.' Now she is planning her first weekend home with friends‚ and even texted me the other day to bring her snacks. I think she likes that I am a little bit at her beck and call.”

Now her husband‚ who has a scrap-metal business in Florida‚ is looking to relocate to Hartford‚ she added. “So we are looking for a new adventure‚ putting our toes in a slow way and maybe using Megan as an excuse.”

Up in Deerfield‚ Massachusetts‚ one New York City family bought a house on Memorial Street to use during the years that three of their four children attended Deerfield Academy‚ and then sold it directly to another out-of-town family with children at the school. But Elizabeth Franklin‚ founder of the Franklin Report‚ the online guide to home services‚ still has the lease on a house on Old Main Street that she signed four years ago‚ when her youngest daughter was starting her sophomore year there. (Franklin’s husband‚ who works on Wall Street‚ requested anonymity for himself and their two daughters.)

“The same year our oldest daughter went to Dartmouth‚ our youngest decided to go to Deerfield‚” Franklin said. “So we were empty-nested in one fell swoop. The center of gravity shifted north.”

Also‚ the younger daughter was a competitive squash player. To keep the ranking‚ she had to play tournaments outside the school realm‚ and Franklin did the ferrying. Booking one of the two dog-friendly rooms at the Deerfield Inn (Franklin has a Westie named Scout) can require months of advance planning‚ so renting made sense‚ particularly because her job allows her to work from anywhere.

“I’d go up for a few days‚ driving at night to beat the traffic‚” she said. “My daughter and I struck a wonderful balance. She could drop by after sit-down dinners for an hour or two to do her homework in a quiet setting. She wouldn’t spend the night or the weekend to participate in all that is Deerfield. Deerfield set all the rules‚ and I had the luxury of being able to enjoy my daughter without being the disciplinarian.”

What of the boarding schools? How are they negotiating the perhaps too-present parents?

One boarding school administrator spoke candidly off the record but declined to be identified.

“Some of them are rarely seen‚” he said of the handful of parents he has noticed putting down temporary roots in the school’s town. “And it seems like a curious convenience for when they visit. Occasionally there is a family that spends a lot of time on campus‚ and I think that can really hamper a student’s experience.”

Rubén Gaztambide-Fernández is an assistant professor in the department of curriculum‚ teaching and learning at the Ontario Institute for Studies in Education at the University of Toronto. For his 2009 book‚ “The Best of the Best: Becoming Elite at an American Boarding School‚” he spent two years interviewing students‚ but he said he didn’t start hearing about the practice of parents living near these campuses until after he had done his fieldwork. But he had a hunch that it might be a beneficial scenario.

“Day students struggled to connect socially at these schools‚ because so much there happens at night‚” Gaztambide-Fernández said. “And yet the day students had much healthier lives”- less anxiety‚ for instance‚ than the boarders. “So parents could potentially be giving them the best of both worlds by doing this. A place to escape and disconnect. The larger parenting trend is that parents are trying to become increasingly involved in the schooling of their children. There is increased anxiety around school success to insure economic success later. Parents are highly invested in individualized attention on their kids‚ and they don’t trust the schools to do that. So one possibility that could be driving the trend is their wanting to have more of an impact.”

For their part‚ administrators at Hotchkiss said they haven’t noticed a major shift on campus.

“We are aware of only a handful of parents who have rented locally in recent years‚” said Hellen Hom-Diamond‚ chief communications officer at the school.

The real sea change in the culture of boarding schools‚ perhaps‚ is not that some parents are putting down base camps in their towns. It’s the relentless connectivity of modern life. In decades past‚ children waited in line for the pay phone on Saturday afternoons to call their parents. Now they are texting constantly.

“Parents are more involved than they were in the past‚” said David Thiel‚ director of communications at Deerfield. “That doesn’t come from parents moving here. It comes from technology. If a student takes a test‚ they’re going to be texting their parents‚ and their parents are texting right back. The permeability of campus is a new reality for us.”

Eric Peterson‚ head of St. George’s School in Middletown‚ Rhode Island‚ said that in his area‚ “it’s still a small subset of parents who buy a house to use as a local base.” He added: “Frankly‚ I like having parents around. It’s worked out great for us.”

The larger shift in boarding-school life‚ he concurred‚ has been “pervasive connectivity.”

“As technology and social landscapes have shifted‚ the parent-school partnership has expanded and become more dynamic‚” he said. “We want to work with the families and work with their kids to focus their attention on their experience at the school. We encourage the kids to look to themselves and to the local resources available on campus” - their advisers‚ coaches and teachers -“before texting Mom and Dad three times a day. That’s the balance between staying connected and building independence.”

© 2014 New York Times News Service

17-09-2014

Penelope Green