8 painful 'parenting injuries' to watch out for when you've got a toddler

Children are like ants. Small, but much stronger than they look. Especially when they are bruising their parents. Sure, the following injuries aren't fatal, but don't call anyone a sissy until you've had to dodge a golf club swung by a toddler

1. The midnight groin kick

This is worse than a regular groin kick because you can't see it coming. It feels like Dale Steyn steamrolling one into a West Indies batsman in the dead of night while you were dreaming of watching an entire South African innings.

2. The tantrum kick

Most commonly experienced by mothers in busy shopping malls, this one is similar to the don't-wanna-go-to-school kick. It can fly, get you anywhere, and leave a blue mark to remind you never to do that on payday again.

3. The bruise-bite

Erotic as it sounds, these 50 shades of pink, red and purple are most often found on a bare shoulder. Inflicted in equal measure for fun and protest by dragging teeth around soft tissue.

4. Sore-scalp-itis

This one comes from playing hairdresser with a hard brush. Unlike most injuries, it can affect minors too. Vigorous hair brushing, especially in haste, is no fun for anyone.

5. The poke in the eye

Oh, this red and weepy affliction has so many sources, parents literally can't see them coming anymore. Chubby fingers; the "I want to do it for you" mascara brush; juice-bottle straws; your own car keys while strapping the kid into the safety seat. Stay sharp or wear sunglasses to avoid them.

6. Nipple twists

For dads, this is a curiosity injury, sometimes showing up as a bite, pull of chest hair or a pinch. Mothers grow immune after a while. Erogenous zones can turn into danger zones in the face of small mouths with gnashing gums and new, sharp teeth. Weaning is another pain in the boob. Think cold salves and peeling off heavy plasters, plus bits of DNA.

7. Mid-calf and ankle paralysis

When that sensitive bit of bone at the front of the leg bumps into jungle-gym metal, plastic bikes, pull carts and other things invisible to adults but perfectly child-height.

8. Foot impressionism

This one is an art-related injury, collateral damage from stepping on leftover creative supplies, including pine cones and cookie-cutters, or kicking an easel leg. Also, there is the special pain reserved for when your bare foot meets an errant piece of Lego. Sometimes as a result of blindness from the earlier poke in the eye.