I was born into a third-generation Catholic family and baptised by one Reverend Father Sean Connelly.
I like to state this fact for two reasons. One, I find the idea of a Zulu family in the Kingdom of KwaZulu paying allegiance to a sovereign state in Italy fascinating.
Two, I like the fact that I was baptised by an almost James Bond. Shaken but not stirred.It therefore follows that barely into my teens I started treating my liver like I'd caught it fornicating with my wife.
That is to say, with absolute disdain. I gained a lot of experience with what Zulus call Izinkamba zikaFaro (Pharoah's beer guards), until about five years ago when my liver started fighting back and I made a change, like Sam Cooke said. But I'm still an expert.I have a friend who becomes so meek after a few beers, I start believing he's truly going to inherit the earth, and yet a medical doctor friend of mine tells me that the worst time to be on duty is the weekend of the Carling Black Label Cup between Chiefs and Pirates.
Apparently doctors spend the whole day and whole night performing sutures on folks hacked with machetes and axes.Seven years ago we were all in the grips of the mythical "Phillip", who came here with the Fifa World Cup. I spent one Friday morning walking the earth like Caine from Kung Fu, hugging strangers on the street and exchanging football jerseys with what I believe were Argentinian drug lords - 2010 had that vibe.
Some young friends then invited me to join them for a braai in Midrand. Bring Vin Coco, they said, it's a fantastic drink. Because I'm an idiot, I went into a bottle store in Carlswald and asked for this magical Vin Coco concoction. About R35 a bottle.
This should have been a clue. But no! I bought five bottles.
Three hours later, I was in the grips of the worst paranoia I have ever experienced. I kept placing my palms over my closed eyelids, convinced that aliens from Mars were trying to gouge my eyes out.
And then there's gin and tonic. No concoction makes the tourist in me come out more than G&T. I get uncontrollable urges to go somewhere. Anywhere. Just not here.
A friend of mine, Zamani, is the same way. He's taken many directionless Uber trips while under the influence. I suspect that this has to do with the fact that the mixture was "invented" by British imperialists stationed in India under the auspices of the British East India Company in the 1700s.Maybe G&T is what inspired them to go on an expedition of "discovering" an entire subcontinent and its inhabitants...