On Wednesday afternoon, the Cape Town Philharmonic Orchestra performed a lunchtime concert outside Groote Schuur Hospital to thank staff for their tireless work over the past 18 months. What made it extra special, however, was that not one of the members of the orchestra had ever picked up an instrument until Wednesday, while the conductor was a private equity bro who just happened to be walking past at the time.
No, wait, sorry, I’m hearing from my editor that — oh dear, no, I’ve got that quite wrong. It turns out that every member of the orchestra, including the conductor, was, in fact, a highly skilled musician with years of study and practice behind them.
It makes sense, I suppose. I mean, it would be absurd to believe somebody with no musical training whatsoever could simply pick up a cello or a bassoon and suddenly be able to play it at a level worthy of public performance while reading sheet music.
They’ve been told that banging a dustbin lid against a wall is the same as playing a cello, if not better, because it’s a lot more democratic and less poncy.
Because that’s not how real life works.
In reality, there are professional or elite musicians who play in symphony orchestras.
There are skilful amateurs who might play in less sophisticated orchestras, but still produce wonderful music.
Then come the unskilful amateurs who, given enough patience by long-suffering friends and family, can pick out a tune on a piano or a guitar.
And finally there are people who do not play any instrument at all. They know they like listening to certain kinds of music and they know they don’t like other kinds, but that’s literally all they know.
That, as I say, is the simple reality of musical talent. And yet every day that reality is being challenged, denounced and denied by people who, despite being tone deaf and never having touched a musical instrument, are demanding that they should be allowed to play first violin in the Cape Town Philharmonic Orchestra because they once heard 30 seconds of Vivaldi in a lift.
It’s more complicated than that, of course.
In this analogy, they’ve also spent years being encouraged to believe that any knowledge or skill possessed by a small group of people is automatically suspect and, therefore, any elite group is, by virtue of its seniority and expertise, probably dedicated to the destruction of hardworking, commonsensical folks like you and me.
They’ve been told that banging a dustbin lid against a wall is the same as playing a cello, if not better, because it’s a lot more democratic and less poncy.
And now they believe music school and theory and composition and thousands of hours of practice mean nothing, and that their lid-banging is identical in quality and merit to the greatest virtuoso in the world.
The noise needs to stop because, of course, we’re not talking about music. We’re talking about lives, some of them hanging in the balance inside Groote Schuur as the CTPO played on Wednesday.
Now, more than ever, we need to hear from those elite experts who’ve spent years doing work we can’t even begin to comprehend.
The rest – the private equity bros pretending to be contrarians, the podcasters, the celebrities, the schoolteachers and accountants and CEOs and deejays – need to sit down and shut up.
Because tooting your own horn might sound like music to your ears, but it’s killing people.
Just ask the experts.
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