EXTRACT | 'Building Psychologically Safe Spaces' by Ngao Motsei

ABOUT THE BOOK 

In Ngao Motsei's Building Psychologically Safe Spaces: Safeguarding Your Workplace Against Bullying, published by Tracey McDonald Publishers, Motsei teaches us how to make sense of workplace bullying.

She starts by removing the confusion around what constitutes bullying in the workplace – a behaviour often difficult to define – before explaining the steps that can be taken to bullyproof your organisation.

Actions are outlined that are required of leaders, bystanders, targets and bullies. Motsei includes first-hand accounts from leaders (previously accused of abrasive bullying behaviour) and targets to shed light on how the phenomenon affects all involved.

Motsei’s in-depth work on the subject, along with her personal experiences, has shown her that in the same way a bully can be reformed, so can a target find healing. This book is a guide for all parties to do that.

The book is divided into three sections: Part One delves into the why of bullying, Part Two explores how to identify behaviours associated with the bullying, and explains the typology of those who are targeted, the role of bystanders and finally the role leaders need to play and how best to shape organisational culture. Part Three looks at building psychologically safe spaces and safeguarding your workplace against bullying. The book concludes with two self-assessments to help readers clarify their thinking on their own work environment and leadership styles.

EXTRACT 

LEARNINGS FROM BULLYING

There is a big difference between the questions, ‘Why me?’ and ‘What is happening to me?’ When I was being bullied, choosing to focus on the latter made it possible to find the lesson in the experience.

Finding that lesson in the midst of so much awfulness was difficult. It was, by far, the hardest and strangest thing that had ever happened to me, but through my process of reflection I came to realise the truth in the expression that things happen not to us, but for us.

That certainly held true in my case. Without doubt, I feel bullying happened for me. It created a pathway to my purpose, both in my work and in my life. I feel that by going through this experience, and being present throughout it, so many possibilities were opened to me, and they led to the work I do today. I continue to derive learnings from the experience and, as a result, I go through life completely present and open to whatever is happening around me.

I gained many insights when I reflected on my bullying experience. One of the first thoughts I had was that I may have become a target because I come across as a strong person. By strong, I mean mentally strong. Examples of the characteristics of mentally strong people include high levels of self-awareness, confidence, adaptable and tenacious with a strong internal locus of control.

I suppose some people may feel they have to assert themselves when they encounter this energy. I think that’s what happened in the case of my line manager. She, too, is a strong black woman, and perhaps in her subordinate (me), she had met her “match”. She had power, by virtue of her position, significantly, because power, or more specifically, the imbalance of power, is almost always present in any bullying situation. Could it be that her perception of my strength made her feel her power was threatened and thus triggered the bullying? Was I somehow at fault? Was I perhaps too strong?

I have never been in an abusive relationship, but I’ve heard stories from people who have – and I can identify when they say that at their lowest moment they wondered if they somehow contributed to their situation.

This insight made me realise the importance of being kind to myself. I had to remind myself there is absolutely nothing wrong with being a strong person: being strong does not equate to doing something wrong, nor did it make me deserving of ill treatment. The notion of a strong woman is an entirely separate topic, because strong women evoke strong reactions from different people. Being a strong woman, specially a strong black woman, is a label many of us don’t choose. It’s given to us.

Melinda Gates tells us:  ‘A woman with a voice is, by definition, a strong woman. But the search to find that voice can be remarkably difficult.’ Was it my voice, or searching for my voice, that made me a target of bullying?

All that thinking had given me some insights. I had to think about what I would do with them. Clearly, my strength of character had an effect on certain people. People perceive me as strong. Maybe that will change over time, but for now I can choose to work with it. Then again, I could choose not to act on the feedback I receive from others, which is a type of action. These are the kinds of conversations I had with myself at the time.

There is a lot to be said for self-talk. Those conversations with myself sparked my curiosity on the concept of soft power. While I thought I could not change my "strength" and how people perceive me, I did think I might be able to "soften" that strength, because, clearly, it was getting in the way of my ability to connect with some people. That was a major problem for me because one of my most deeply cherished career goals is to help other people become the best versions of themselves. This can only happen if I remove all barriers to connection and it raised the question: was I happy with the way I was perceived?

I started listening to myself when I spoke to people. I tried to be mindful and present in every interaction. I often talk about sub-optimising. This isn’t compromising. Rather, it’s knowing when to hold back on a view or opinion for the good of the whole, especially if you sense the timing is not right. In an organisation, the system is so strong that no individual is bigger than the whole. Your opinion may be the best solution, but you need to be able to read the room, know when to push ahead with an idea and when to suspend it. (Note I say suspend until the time is right, not discard it.)

In his book Originals, Adam Grant talks about the "tempered radical", a term first coined by researchers Debra Meyerson and Maureen Scully. In the simplest form, tempered radicals are people who hold views different to the norm. Their beliefs and points of view depart from common ideas and traditions and go against the grain. However, what the tempered radical has had to learn, and what they’re good at, is presenting their contrarian views in a way that’s less shocking and more likely to appeal to traditional audiences.

Looking back, with heightened self-awareness from the bullying experience, I have had the opportunity to become a tempered radical. When it matters, I know how to voice my opinions in a way that lands softly, so that I don’t appear as a know-it-all. The way to do this is without opposing other ideas from the outset, but rather appealing to the beliefs and values that your audience holds.

During the self-guided meditations and reading around bullying, I came across a quote and/or affirmation that really resonated with me: "I listened to the infinite wisdom within me. I let it guide me and show me the way. I let it guide me through the unknown, all the experiences I have had to grow through. My intuition is a sacred gift."

I especially like that this quote/affirmation talks about how we grow through experiences, rather than go through them, because it mirrors my own belief that the bullying gave me gifts, gifts like the power of intention. Some of the things I learnt during that time shaped how I live – deliberately, with intent – and led to the deepening and heightening of my self-awareness.

Extract provided by Janine Daniels on behalf of JDoubleD Publicity.