Did Grace Mugabe find an extension cord in the room or bring it with her?
Ndumiso Ngcobo has a theory about Grace Mugabe and the 'alleged' extension cord assault
My first thought when I heard Grace Mugabe had allegedly assaulted young Gabriella Engels in Sandton was that no sane journalist writing about the story was going to type the word "allegedly" without snorting derisively. I know I just scoffed. And I'm not even a journalist. Or sane.
But you have to admit that everything you have ever heard about Grace Mugabe also made you think, "Yeah, she definitely bliksemmed the poor girl."
This is the same woman who participated in the assault of a photographer in Hong Kong a few years ago. That must have taken cojones of steel. We all grew up with the stereotype of everyone from Hong Kong being a kung fu expert, courtesy of Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan.
Ordinarily, I would have steered clear of that entire Chinese and kung fu cliché. But about two weeks ago I was driving in Cyrildene and there was an elderly Oriental man with a plaited silver beard in kung fu garb practising his moves on the pavement in slippers.
When I told someone who drives on that road every day what I'd seen, she told me that the old man does that often, so I figured it's OK.
But back to Grace. I'm told that she was born in Benoni. I know there's no point in telling you to stop giggling and coming up with smartass quips about Benoni. That would be like telling you not to think about a pink elephant twirling around daintily on its toes, in a tutu.
So go ahead and insert your favourite joke about Benoni here. Just let it not be about how Charlize Theron is also from Benoni and that when she won the Oscar for Monster, she was predicting Grace's arrival. That one is already taken.
I'm told that Grace used an extension cord to assault the young lass. I have so many questions about this. Did Grace find an extension cord in the hotel room? If she did, I'd like to know what device she had to unplug? Or did she bring it with her? Did she call room service to have one brought up?
This entire diplomatic fiasco begs the question; why did Extension Cord Grace feel it was OK to sommer assault someone on our shores?
This entire diplomatic fiasco begs the question; why did Extension Cord Grace feel it was OK to sommer assault someone on our shores? Sorry; "allegedly". After all, she's a notorious globetrotter. And other than the incident in Hong Kong, she's never misbehaved in Dubai, Singapore, Kuala Lumpur or anywhere else she's been.
I have a theory. Well, it's not my own theory. It actually belongs to sociologists James Wilson and George Kelling who co-authored the book Fixing Broken Windows.
Put simply, the theory is that if you fix the little things (such as broken windows) in an environment, you project an aura of lawfulness which, in turn, discourages acts of unlawfulness.
I get this. You're far less likely to see anyone litter on Nelson Mandela Square than, say, the Noord Street taxi rank.
My theory is that Grace beat the woman up here in South Africa because, hey, deputy ministers can assault people in front of the camera and then go to parliament the next day as if nothing happened.
If my Zimbabwean friends are not lying to me, if this incident had occurred in Zim, Ms Engels would probably have been charged with assault with intent to cause grievous bodily harm to the extension cord belonging to Her Excellency, the First Lady. She might even have been sentenced to six months of hard labour at Dr Grace's dairy farm.
I, for one, am comforted by one aspect of the saga. Our razor-sharp minister of intelligence (sic) probably knew that this was going to happen about a year ago. He knows everything even though he doesn't always feel the need to share it with anyone.
And in other news, the victim is being supported by AfriForum and Gerrie Nel. I've never met Nel but I'm convinced that he smells like Wilson's XXX Mints or aniseed-flavoured Fisherman's Friend.
This does not augur well for Smashin' Grace or for regional peace. If Nel's record is anything to go by, she will be playing courtyard football with Oscar Pistorius at Kgosi Mampuru correctional facility soon.
• Follow the author of this article, Ndumiso Ngcobo, on Twitter: @NdumisoNgcobo