No one is spared in the silly season: some indulge in the good life of wining, dining, singing and dancing; others attempt to buy the entire mall in the name of "this is a season of giving", or lose their morals (no wonder some girlfriends/boyfriends - I am reliably told even some husbands - go missing).
A few months before the official start of the silly season, an uncontrollable epidemic engulfs human beings, convincing them to attempt to transform their nondescript bodies to "summer bodies".
I have always wondered why, all of a sudden, people "want to look great". Is it the heat, or is the green(er) scenery to blame?It starts with "I must get super active." This inevitably involves some road-running, which turns to, at best, shuffling-cum-walking. Then it suddenly dawns on them that huffing and passing - especially against oncoming traffic - is dumb.
I know from experience that it gets worse: feeling your bum, as you attempt to run, shaking uncontrollably behind you can be a bit ticklish. And then it gets better, at least for me: the tummy pulls me from the front.
Seemingly these forces, the shaking bum and pulling tummy, have equal but opposite force because I suddenly just stop running. I take my time to marvel at the view and scenery while asking myself, "Why must we run through life when we can savour every experience?"ARE YOU READY?
If the road-shuffling business does not work out, try the gym. Again. As you walk into the class you see people you have not seen for months, and they all give you that where-have-you-been look.
As you wait for the class to start, you tell whoever is closest to you, "I was on a seven-month project between Poffader and De Aar.
But now I am back. For good. For eternity." Just then the superfit instructor asks the class, "Are you ready?" You want to scream "No!" but you know he is asking the regulars, not you.It is during this time that (OK, this is just me) a very simple but far-reaching decision is made: I would rather be fat and happy than thin and grumpy.
BEFORE AND AFTER
A few days later you meet that cousin of yours who eats anything and everything but never ever gains weight. The unfairness of life makes you even grumpier (but not thinner).
A week later a friend who also has a girth challenge recommends a diet that even has "Before" and "After" pictures. Have you ever looked at those pictures and been sure that it is not the same person? But hey, you conclude, maybe this time it is the universe finally saying, "Yes, my child."
Then December 16 arrives. (This is the day, back in 1838, when Zulus with spears and shields attempted to cross a river towards a volley of bullets. Which must have been a bit awkward ... )After Reconciliation Day, "good diet" is tossed out of the window of the speeding car as we make our way to the beach. Even that female friend who recommended a diet is having "a beer and a blast". When asked about the diet, her swift response is "life is a bitch and then you die".
#NEWYEARNEWME
There is an infectious spirit of indulgence in the air. All those plans to be financially savvy during the holidays have also disappeared into thin air. It is in this spirit that morals go AWOL. People literally disappear and nobody files "missing person" complaints with the authorities because even the police will tell you straight, "Boss, people disappear in December. Wait for Januworry ..."
After bingeing on the 31st of December "for the very last time", we start all over again in the New Year. The (new) resolutions are set, and one of those is predictably "lose weight". Again. This time gyms are packed. There is no parking. New members, wearing brand-new attire, fiddle with equipment while posting on social media #NewYearNewMe.
You find solace in the fact that most of your gym buddies have also gained weight. But there are always party poopers: people who look better after the holidays. They make most of us feel, and look, silly.
That silly feeling can wait. The silly season is upon us.
Disclaimer: I know there are loads of thin and happy people in the world, but - here is the fact - the general public does not like them. Otherwise how do you explain Lindiwe Nonceba Sisulu receiving so few nominations from the ANC branch general meetings?..