Albums that should NOT be on your list of the year (sorry Swifties)

’Tis once again the season for people who’ve spent the year wearing headphones in the office to knuckle down and get ready to justify their questionable music taste. Yes, that’s right, from now until the end of the year publications around the world will inundate you with “Best Albums of 2022” lists.

It’s a millennial conceit to believe other adults feverishly wait around for members of their milieu to present a subjective pastime — listening to music — as some type of objective scientific debate. That said, it can be fun, especially when people get their knickers into a Gordian knot. So it is my great pleasure to present three albums that should NOT be on your album of the year list and one that definitely should:

TAYLOR SWIFT: MIDNIGHTS

No-one is sure when or how it happened, but at some point Ms Swift scurried around the globe slipping something into all of the major water sources. While not airtight, it’s the only workable explanation for the 32-year-old Grammy winner’s latest album selling faster than disgraced cryptocurrency tycoon Sam Bankman-Fried could lose $1bn.

If you need stats to convince you this is a Harry Potter-level case of witchcraft, Midnights made Swift the first artist in history to claim all top 10 spots on the Billboard Hot 100 simultaneously. It sold 1,5-million units in its first week and had first-day streaming numbers on Spotify at 186.4-million. That alone should be enough to assure anyone that this album is hyper-infectious and should not be recommended to anyone.

KENDRICK LAMAR: MR MORALE & THE BIG STEPPERS

Is he a Pulitzer prize-winning writer with the ability to rap circles around a Tasmanian devil? Yes. Does he make meaningful music that speaks societal issues millions grapple with? Absolutely. Can he produce arresting visuals that drive his message home? Definitely. So why is his album on this list?

Quite simply, he (and this album) fails the beer test. Just think about it. It’s a lovely day in December and you’re on leave. The sun is out, you have a refreshing beverage in your hand and someone nearby is braaiing.

Is that really when you want to click on your Bluetooth and start blasting music about maternal molestation or men desperately needing therapy? Is there ever really a good time to rile up your demons like that? The answer is no. A hard no! Keep your musical catharsis to yourself and off our music lists.

FLORENCE AND THE MACHINE — DANCE FEVER

Don’t get me wrong, this is a good album. In fact, it may be one of my favourite Florence and the Machine albums of all time. If you consider yourself a hippy as reimagined by Baz Luhrmann, then this album is right up your alley. There’s just one problem. Enjoying it, especially in public, means having to let the public in on some potentially unsettling facts about yourself. First, enjoying Dance Fever is an admission that you are a hippy. Not a hipster, but a dreamcatcher-hanging, flowy pant-wearing practitioner of the psychedelic arts. No-one is ever going to take you seriously if they know you listen to music that suggests your favourite pastime is skipping through the woodland hills with a flower crown on your head.

THE ONE YOU SHOULD HAVE ON YOUR LIST:

Bad Bunny — Un Verano Sin Ti

As the second biggest-selling non-English record in US history, this album has been a revelation. If you don’t know who Bad Bunny is, don’t worry. Much of the English-speaking world seems to have had no clue who he was until it was discovered that this Puerto Rican-born singer and rapper had the most profitable live tour in music. Not pop music or urban music genres, but music as an entirety. In Chile he sold out an 80,000-seater stadium on consecutive nights and, apparently, that’s just another day at the office for him. It turns out that in the Latin-American/Spanish-speaking world the man is at least as famous as Taylor Swift and Beyoncé́ are in the anglophone world. Bad Bunny also had a memorable supporting role in the film Bullet Train starring Brad Pitt.

But why does all of that make a project about heartbreak a good candidate for album of the year? Because it’s fun. We can all agree that it’s been a rough couple of years and it doesn’t look as if we are getting a break any time soon. Eskom ensures that our electricity supply is as regular as someone who doesn’t eat any fibre, Russia’s shenanigans in Ukraine mean everything costs too much and Trevor Noah is leaving The Daily Show. All is not well with the world and having enjoyable music that reminds you of rum, beaches and gyrating hips, even when your heart is breaking, is the least you deserve.