Humour

My new TV crush is called Emily, a bigamist and a lovemaking beast

She's been married five times but has never bothered to get divorced, leaving a string of confused husbands and lovers in her wake. Oh, and this is a true story

07 March 2021 - 00:01

I think I'm in love with a woman who is not my wife. Last week, I found the missus in stitches, watching a documentary on YouTube, The Bigamist Bride: My Five Husbands. At first, no doubt influenced by my Catholic upbringing, I was flabbergasted that she would find a documentary about a woman, married to five different men simultaneously, funny. I don't like how cozy she is with Tshepo, our pool whisperer, to begin with. But then she started telling me the highlights of the documentary on the life of Emily Horne. Or Emily Leconte if you like. Or Emilia Carmichael if that's your cuppa. Or Emma Baker. Or Anna Matthews.

I started falling in love with Emily at the 0:25 mark. The very first words out of her mouth were, "The blokes are basically indicating that they were led by their pricks." This is a significantly more profound statement than you would think on the surface. That famous coke fiend Sigmund Freud wrote volumes on this intricate psychological phenomenon. I immediately sat up, paused the doccie, went to the liquor cabinet and poured myself a triple brandy and Coke. I knew that, in the words of the millennials, it was about to get lit up in this mofo...

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