We review SA's hottest — and only — lockdown restaurant, The Kitchen

After the official word from the president that we all had to stay at home, I couldn’t wait to try out the new spot everyone seemed to be eating at: The Kitchen.

An impressive rollout has seen one of these Covid-19-approved eateries pop up in almost every home across the country. Each has a unique design and layout, and specialises in a different type of cuisine.

It’s a dreary Monday afternoon when I decide to visit my local branch of The Kitchen — tucked away down a passage to the left of the lounge, opening up onto the dining room. I wait in the doorway for a good 15 minutes before realising no-one is going to seat me. The service patently way below average, I decide to settle myself at the counter.

This new joint has adopted the trendy open-kitchen design seen in many top restaurants around the country, allowing diners to view the chef in action. No sign of him yet though. There’s not a single waiter in sight either, there seems to be no menu, and I can’t help but wonder if perhaps the establishment has closed.

It’s at this point that a fellow customer walks in; they seem to have been here before and know how it works. They look at me oddly when I remark on the lack of staff, menus, or welcoming bread course. They make their way to the fridge next to the stove and open it themselves.

It seems this place operates on some sort of do-it-yourself concept — another trend of late. I follow suit and do the same, opening said fridge. I’m pleasantly surprised by what’s inside — there are definitely no signs of panic buying but it’s well stocked and I see plenty of things I can’t wait to order once the chef comes in.

Considering the evident lack of staff, I don’t even consider looking for the sommelier. I rifle through a few drawers and find a corkscrew. I spotted all the ingredients for pasta alla puttanesca in the fridge so, hoping it’s on the menu, I decide to choose a wine to match.

I take The Valley 2018 pinot noir out of the fridge. It’s been kept chilled — just how I enjoy it — the one saving grace of this place. A few minutes later and I locate the wine glasses. All this is proving to be far more effort than any other restaurant experience has been to date.

It’s now been almost an hour and I have not been attended to once, nor does anyone seem to work here.

I decide to take it upon myself to cook my lunch. Unearthing the dried spaghetti in a pantry behind me (the layout of this eatery baffles me), I gather the olives, anchovies, capers, garlic, cherry tomatoes, and a wedge of Parmesan from the fridge before locating the olive oil and salt in yet another cupboard.

I bring the pasta to the boil, throw together the sauce and plate it up myself, amazed at how a place that demands so much from the customer has managed to amass such a large and loyal following. One can only imagine my surprise when another customer walks in and helps themselves to my meal, but I let it slide considering I’ve made far more than one person can eat.

I finish the meal. All hope of any assistance has been lost at this point, so I take it upon myself to clean up. I make myself a single espresso from the unmanned coffee machine and take a (hopefully) complimentary biscuit out of the jar next to it — it’s the least I deserve after all the effort I’ve been through.

Overall a rather underwhelming dining experience. Ihall return begrudgingly and out of desperation.

This piece arose out of a restaurant critic's desperate need to dine out, even when housebound. Stay safe, stay home and spare a thought for the hospitality industry, which will be one of the hardest hit by the Covid-19 pandemic. Please support them in any way you can.

• This article was originally published on Wanted Online. Visit wantedonline.co.za for all the latest in luxury lifestyle news.