Why understanding your personality type could be life-changing

Stop me if any of this sounds familiar. You're snowed under at work, but when your boss asks if you could take on just one more thing, you agree.

Your partner makes it to the gym three times a week, but you find it a struggle to exercise once (if at all). You always put your family/clients/team/patients first, so you're always busy - yet never seem to get everything done.

Me too.

And, according to bestselling author Gretchen Rubin, it's not because we're people-pleasers or even procrastinators, it's because we're Obligers - the most common of the four personality types she identifies in her new book, The Four Tendencies.

Your tendency (be it Obliger, Upholder, Rebel or Questioner - find out which in the handy online quiz at gretchenrubin.com) governs pretty much every aspect of your life. Ergo, understanding it is potentially game - nay, life - changing.

To get to understand people's tendencies Rubin posted a set of questions on her website and noticed striking patterns of behaviour emerging: "Suddenly, I saw it. The answer was in the simple question: how do you respond to expectations? The minute I realised this, I saw there were outer expectations (those others place us on, like work deadlines) and inner expectations (those we put on ourselves)."

I was disappointed at first to discover I was an Obliger - the most common tendency. I'm not alone: Obligers and Rebels are the two tendencies most likely to feel stymied by their type's natural inclinations. They'll ask Rubin if they can change type (the answer is no).

But, as Rubin points out: "Obligers have the most to gain from understanding their tendency - it can be transformative. They are the rock of the world. They get on best with others."

As an Obliger, I meet deadlines (when imposed by others), volunteer and willingly fulfil obligations to my family and friends. I went to a wedding with a trapped gallstone (read: debilitating pain). But when I promise myself I'll do a weekly Pilates class/start writing that novel, it doesn't happen.

Moreover, I am an Obliger married to a high-achieving Upholder. Work permitting, my husband exercises thrice weekly. Meets self-imposed deadlines. Writes to-do lists. Gets twitchy if a plan changes. He sets himself high targets - and meets them.

There is no "happiest" or "most productive" tendency, but the happiest, most productive people are those who have figured out how to harness the strengths of their personality. Master your tendency, promises Rubin, and you take control of your career, relationships and habits.

Obligers should make themselves accountable to what Rubin calls "their future selves''. If you suspect your future self would be far too lenient, appoint an "accountability partner'': "Ask a Questioner or a Rebel. There are even apps with accountability groups - like my Better app."

A word of warning: if you don't conquer the inclination to say yes to everyone else, you're at risk of never getting through your own to-do list. "The resentment builds and builds until [you] tip over into Obliger rebellion and explode. I've known it end marriages," she says, breezily.

Time to create that outer accountability, fellow Obligers. Don't let Rubin down. - The Daily Telegraph

FOUR TENDENCIES: RECOGNISE YOURSELF?

1. OBLIGERS

Go the extra mile to meet others’s expectations. Team players, susceptible to overwork; eg, Arianna Huffington (preburnout).

2. UPHOLDERS

Readily respond to outer and inner expectations. They don’t let themselves or others down, self-motivated and conscientious; eg, Michelle Obama.

3. QUESTIONERS

Meet inner expectations, but question outer expectations. They will do something
only if it makes sense and don’t take instructions at face value; eg, Steve Jobs.

4. REBELS

Resist both outer and inner expectations. The phrase “rules don’t apply” was invented for them. They value spontaneity; eg, Richard Branson.

• 'The Four Tendencies' is available from Exclusive Books for R 379.

• This article was originally published in The Times.