My partner has strange sex fantasies. Should I act them out with him?

Q. My boyfriend asks me to do strange things he sees in pornographic videos. Should I oblige?

A. A sexual fantasy is a set of events, stories and actions that are of sexual content. The details are very diverse and each person has different ideas about sexual fulfilment. These can be depictions or thoughts about one other person or in some cases the fantasy may include more than one person and objects.

The sexual fantasies discussed here are those not containing imagery of children, coercion or violence. The themes can range from the person being the recipient having sexual acts done to them, or they could be aroused by watching someone else have sex or imagining someone else having sex with their partner, looking at them while they have sex. Some may have a fantasy that centres on a real-life or imagined figure.

The actual sex acts can also have different details or themes ranging from sex toys, or location, to bondage. Sexual fantasies can be experienced any time and, over time can be further developed to include more details and sometimes influence sexual behaviour in the real world. Some sexual fantasies may be considered as strange and bizarre.

Pornography offers a visual representation of some fantasies and this may make others feel less strange for having fantasies similar in content. On the other hand, there are sexual fantasies where the content may not be acceptable in real life. Certain thoughts and fantasies are best left as fantasies.

In the era of smartphones, virtual sex has become a big part of some fantasies and the ability to connect means that more and more people are having a virtual history of sexual expression and experience online and that becomes another dimension where their fantasies reside.

It is not always easy to share with one's partner the content and focus of your fantasies. The risk is always that insecurity and doubt about fidelity may arise. The reaction to the re-enactment of fantasies in real life can never be guaranteed, especially when the fantasy involves other people or performing sexual acts one's partner is not comfortable with.

• Dr Tlaleng Mofokeng (MBChB), sexual and reproductive health practice, Disa Clinic, safersex.co.za.

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