Coronavirus, climate change: 5 things giving us waking nightmares

Someone of a superstitious bent may be inclined to look at current events and stridently declare that we're being stalked by the end of days.

In 2020 alone we've had brushes with a war between two countries armed with nukes, a rapidly spreading disease that no one has ever seen before and load shedding. All of this while dealing with a lacklustre economy and the rising price of Uber Eats deliveries.

In short, it's no wonder you can't get any shut eye as there are any number of things currently floating around that could keep us up at night, but which ones should be giving you waking nightmares? Here are a couple of suggestions:

CORONAVIRUS AND PANDEMICS IN GENERAL - SUPERBUGS

According to the Netflix documentary series, Explained, a Sam Harris podcast on the subject and some truly terrifying Google searches, the world is a sitting petri dish eagerly awaiting the next major plague. Enter coronavirus, neé Covid-19.

The problem is less that coronavirus is the bubonic plague of our age (or so some say) but rather that our lifestyles involve large amounts of travel and hysteria and a surprisingly small amount of thorough hand washing. As such Monsieur COVID has gone more viral than that meme that made you and your friends chuckle. And it shows no signs of slowing.

CLIMATE CHANGE

It's a sad state of affairs when adults are being repeatedly scolded by a girl whose concerns should be hiding her exam results from her parents and wrestling with her hormones. Yet every other day we are almost guaranteed to find a rather put upon Greta Thunberg wagging her finger at old people about the fact that we're essentially Dutch-ovening the planet (go on Google's Urban Dictionary).

The thing is she's right, and we're probably all too comfortable to do anything about it, which means that someday soon half the cool cities on Earth will turn into Waterworld and another third will look like Mad Max. Who knows, maybe climate change will make Bishkek, capital of Kyrgyzstan, more appealing?

On the other hand, the "anti-Greta" German teenager, Naomi Seibt, warns against climate change alarmism. Her YouTube videos have received around 200,000 views. She is now the face of the Heartland Institute, a US think tank that rejects scientific consensus on climate change. Her signature catchphrase is: "I don't want you to panic. I want you to think," but don't let it keep you up at night.

COWS VS VEGANS

If you pay attention you'll notice that the world is currently in a pitched culinary battle. On the one hand are vegans and their hyperactive PR machine that keeps reminding us that all those tasty beef burgers come from actual cows that die to produce them.

On the other side are those of us who think that a 300g slab of minced bovine carcass aids digestion.

Those on the meaty side of the debate bring up the fact that we throw away most of our fruit and veg because it doesn't meet our beauty standards. To add fuel to the fire, veg farming is turning bits of Latin America into deserts to satisfy our avocado and toast cravings

THE DA IS GETTING A DIVORCE

Much to the dismay of many hopeful Capetonians, it looks like the DA's bid to turn financially lucrative parts of the country into clones of Cape Town has fallen flat on its face and now the party is splitting. For reasons that are obvious to everyone with eyes, Mooosi and Herman have jumped ship. Does that mean Sandton will get taken over by the ANC or, even worse, the EFF?

Who will tell them that Cape Town is a model of efficiency and racial harmony if we don't have Mooosi around to translate? All these questions are enough to wake any good non-racist in a 3am cold sweat.

FAMILY MEMBERS, ESPECIALLY KIDS

Have you ever noticed that your family has almost no respect for the zzzs you are trying to catch? Sometimes it's that horndog of a husband who thinks he's at his sexiest at 10pm when he smells like six Black Labels, a pack of Marlboros and a soul-destroying job. Other times it's those kids who, regardless of their age, seem to specialise in finding new and unusual ways to keep you awake.

For example, you may wake up hearing an odd tinkering at the window only to get to the door with your slipper in hand to find young Linda with half a foot out the window staring at you as if you won't notice him if he doesn't move.

Then there are the really small ones who think that an evening's play after a hard day's work is just the thing you're fantasising about. Also fodder for your sleepless nights is the truth that despite all your bluster, your kids are not always as amazing as you tell everyone at work and now you have to find new lies to tell people about them. Sigh ... procreation is a fail-safe recipe for sleep deprivation.

SOME GREAT MINDS WEIGH IN ON SLEEP

Poet and playwright William Shakespeare - Sleep that knits up the ravelled sleave of care

The death of each day's life, sore labour's bath

Balm of hurt minds, great nature's second course,

Chief nourisher in life's feast. - Macbeth

Philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer - Sleep is the interest we have to pay on the capital which is called in at death; and the higher the rate of interest and the more regularly it is paid, the further the date of redemption is postponed.

Novelist John Steinbeck - It is a common experience that a problem difficult at night is resolved in the morning after the committee of sleep has worked on it.

Writer Anthony Burgess - Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

Playwright and raconteur Wilson Mizner - The amount of sleep required by the average person is five minutes more.

Writer CS Lewis - Many things - such as loving, going to sleep, or behaving unaffectedly - are done worst when we try hardest to do them.